Confirmation Bias

Tracy Lamperti
Do you struggle with this? Does someone you love struggle with this? Do you both struggle with this?

Confirmation bias is when you have an opinion or belief about someone and as information comes in, you select in every piece of information that validates or confirms your opinion or belief and you filter out every piece of information that does not line up with your opinion or belief. You may use the words “always” and “never” in arguments. You may come across as self-righteous, close minded, harsh, entitled… You are probably pretty good at rendering the other person speechless, as they have learned that nothing they say will be heard or validated.


It will be hard to engage in a dialog with this person because they already have their mind made up and are unwilling to consider any of the factors that they have already filtered out. When you point out one of those exceptions, it is immediately rejected because the person has already decided that your one exception is so insignificant that it doesn’t count, which leads to you having to go back in your memory and try to find more examples, something that many people aren’t that good at, especially people who don’t keep a mental or written record of such things.


You can’t solve it by trying to be better or perfect so they have fewer examples of complaints against you. Like I said, they’ve already made their mind up and anything that goes against what they have decided, they will find a way to filter out or invalidate as so insignificant that it doesn’t matter.


You can’t solve it by trying to defend yourself. Their mind is made up.


You can’t solve it by pointing out their faults or what they are doing to perpetuate the problem. You’ll probably be accused of “not owning your stuff” or “deflecting.”


You may be able to improve it, depending on how tightly your loved one holds on to grievances against you and how long this has been going on for, by pulling them close in a big hug, saying “I love you” and apologizing (even if you don’t think you are at fault), but done too many times and this will wear on your relationship and resentments may form.



So what should you do?

1. Make space and time in your relationship for expressing appreciations and frustrations.

When you make this a regular practice, it helps to keep things positive and productive and helps you stay connected in a way that feels like you are on the journey together.

2. When you have a grievance, address just that grievance.

Start by telling your loved one there is something on your mind and asking when would be a good time for you to be able to talk to him/her about it. (When you’ve been practicing #1 regularly, asking this question shouldn’t cause a lot of drama or anxiety.) When the time comes, address JUST that grievance. Ask your loved one, “What do you hear me saying?” If it doesn’t seem to be going smoothly, slow it down. They may not be understanding, you may not be being clear,

3. Slow it down.

We are often too focused on our defense than on hearing what what the other person is saying. Slow down. Take a breath. Listen. Don’t personalize it, even if it feels like a personal attack. Say what you think you heard rather than arguing back.

4. Understand how the past plays in.

The person with confirmation bias may have developed this as defense mechanism (unhealthy defense mechanism) in response to relationships and dynamics from the past, either as a child or an adult, before you met them. There may be in interplay between what you are doing and how it is being perceived because of earlier experiences and relationships. It is ok to say, “I’m open to changing, but I just want to ask you, is something that I am doing activating/triggering something from the past?”

5. Seek support.

You might feel totally helpless if you have tried to have these conversations and they do not solve the problem. Seek support via self-help methods, like books, blog posts on the topic by professionals like me, or pursue one or more consultation sessions with a marriage therapist.

6. Commit to working it out.

Sure, you can scrap the relationship because of this, but you miss an opportunity that way, and, whether you are on the receiving end or are the one using confirmation bias, you will bring these same dynamics with you to the next relationship.

The Dopifying of Men and Boys These Days

By Tracy Lamperti • March 30, 2025
Do you get it that every time we seem to turn on the tv, news or in the movies these days the boys and men are getting terrible representation? Whether they are kowtowing to a bossy woman, making obscene gestures or noises, getting drunk or on drugs, committing some stupid crime, espousing the effeminate or acting like a pompus a__, or the countless other ways that they are being portrayed. What was wrong with Davy Crockett, or Huck Finn, Andy Griffith, Superman? Why have Sponge Bob and Homer Simpson and the many other “men” of today been selling by being so stupid? I am not up on any of today’s shows, but I get the point from the stories I hear, that it is not good. Even when an olympic star comes into the spotlight, all too often the story is tainted by some remark or behavior he made, not realizing everyone was watching. Where are the boys supposed to get their education? And what about the girls? Where are they supposed to learn who would make a good husband and father?  What brought this on was my prepping for morning meeting tomorrow at the Lamperti Homeschool. I was looking for something good in The Children’s Book of Virtues , Edited by William J. Bennett, Illustrated by Michael Hague. I just happened to open to page 38, Boy Wanted , by Frank Crane. I won’t put the whole story here, but here is a sample.

Before You Seek Therapy For Your Child

By Tracy Lamperti • March 30, 2025
Photo by Michelle Kaye

Talking Beans

By Tracy Lamperti • March 30, 2025
What are those? Are those beans? What are they for? Can I touch them? One can learn a lot about a child by watching them play. Play gives us a glimpse into the thought process, emotions, relationships and the way they organise and put things together. With beans, even a teenager or adult can “sort things out” with beans, sand and other materials. Beans make a good medium for tea parties, hide and seek, play ground play, imaginative water, etc. In fact, beans can bring comfort to all ages. Children who don’t feel like they have a voice or have trouble sharing their thoughts and feelings often find themselves running their hands through the field of beans. The same goes for teenagers. Little ones, of course want to play with the beans, which provides a great opportunity to evaluate self-control, adherance to limits and their depth of imagination or level of organization. Beans are awesome! The video shown here represents a variety of bean benefits! An older adolescent, actually, a young adult, worked out many complicated issues in her sessions week after week while sorting beans. This person successfully sorted out ALL of the kidney beans, sorting on many levels! It is so curious to children to come to their therapy session and notice that something has happened involving the beans. It gives children and teens a real sense of commonality with others as well as insight. They come to learn that some people think like they do and some think differently, and it’s all ok. They learn that, while I may share something about the “beans,” I won’t “spill the beans.” They can trust that I will keep their confidence, just like I keep the confidence of the last “bean worker.” As you see in the video, a young person is re-mixing the kidney beans. This young person, being someone who really struggles with self-control and had been held back for weeks from mixing the beans that had been sorted out. We shared such a delightful moment when she was finally permitted to “mix!” Timing is so important, but relationship is more! So the cycle will continue when many young people come in this week and discover the new state of the beans!  Tracy Lamperti, Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant
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