Why Doesn’t the Child Tell Someone?

Tracy Lamperti

73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year.
45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose
(Smith et al., 2000; Broman-Fulks et al., 2007).

WHY?

The child was “groomed” so well that they didn’t even know that they were being sexually abused. (see last week’s post about “grooming.”)

The boundaries are so loose in the child’s life that things were allowed to happen without the child realizing it wasn’t appropriate; showering together, witnessing adults having sex, being exposed to pornography or even milder sexual images.

More often, sexual abuse does not physically hurt the child. If the offender caused physical pain child would be more likely to
have observable symptoms and the child would be less likely to come near the offender.

Parents are busy and even very good parents can leave their child with someone who gives them a “gut feeling” that something isn’t right, whether that is a relative or paid provider.

It is hard for parents to speak up about things that are wrong.
How much harder can it be for a child?

As parents may fear that others will see their concerns as ridiculous, children fear that they might be wrong, get in trouble, or not be believed and even worry that the offender might get in trouble.

When abuse has occurred more than a few times, the child might feel guilty. Since they didn’t say something the first time, they must have wanted to do it and feel they have to keep the secret now.

These are just some of the reasons that children do not tell.

Remember, most offenders are “Tricky People.” Most offenders know that in order to get what they want, they need to play their cards right by choosing the right family, the right child, the right words, the right locations, the right times, the right tricks.

Next week I will address the epidemic of juvenile offenders.

Please, if these informational posts are triggering you because sexual abuse has touched your life in a personal way, now is the time to seek assistance. “IT IS THE SILENCE THAT POISONS OUR FAMILIES” (Former Miss America, Marilyn van Derbur, Stewards of Children)

I urge every parent to take this training or call me directly for assistance. Between my services, other qualified professionals, Children’s Cove, Independence House, and others, every adult; parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle….should be trained, along with EVERY person providing any level of care to a minor.

This is an empowerment program, not a paranoia or scare based program. Even given the numbers of 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys being sexually abused before their 18th birthday, it is important to keep a sense of perspective. While we have to keep in mind that there are offenders in the local community, the vast majority of people do not sexually abuse children. Our #1 defense and method to keep children safe in our community is to begin to talk about CSA and educate ourselves about CSA.

It is an adult responsibility to protect children from sexual abuse!

Click here for testimonials from Cape Cod parents and professionals who took this training with Tracy Lamperti.

What: Stewards of Children Training

When: Thursday, May 9th, 6-9pm

Where: Orleans Area, specific location to be announced.

$25 per person

Click Here to Register Online

By Tracy Lamperti,
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

Please see http://www.tracylamperti.com for more information about working with children and families or specifically about sexual abuse.

If you would like 1:1 assistance, please contact Tracy Lamperti for a consultation.

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The Dopifying of Men and Boys These Days

By Tracy Lamperti • March 30, 2025

Do you get it that every time we seem to turn on the tv, news or in the movies these days the boys and men are getting terrible representation? Whether they are kowtowing to a bossy woman, making obscene gestures or noises, getting drunk or on drugs, committing some stupid crime, espousing the effeminate or acting like a pompus a__, or the countless other ways that they are being portrayed. What was wrong with Davy Crockett, or Huck Finn, Andy Griffith, Superman? Why have Sponge Bob and Homer Simpson and the many other “men” of today been selling by being so stupid? I am not up on any of today’s shows, but I get the point from the stories I hear, that it is not good. Even when an olympic star comes into the spotlight, all too often the story is tainted by some remark or behavior he made, not realizing everyone was watching. Where are the boys supposed to get their education? And what about the girls? Where are they supposed to learn who would make a good husband and father? What brought this on was my prepping for morning meeting tomorrow at the Lamperti Homeschool. I was looking for something good in The Children’s Book of Virtues , Edited by William J. Bennett, Illustrated by Michael Hague. I just happened to open to page 38, Boy Wanted , by Frank Crane. I won’t put the whole story here, but here is a sample.

Before You Seek Therapy For Your Child

By Tracy Lamperti • March 30, 2025

Photo by Michelle Kaye

Talking Beans

By Tracy Lamperti • March 30, 2025

What are those? Are those beans? What are they for? Can I touch them? One can learn a lot about a child by watching them play. Play gives us a glimpse into the thought process, emotions, relationships and the way they organise and put things together. With beans, even a teenager or adult can “sort things out” with beans, sand and other materials. Beans make a good medium for tea parties, hide and seek, play ground play, imaginative water, etc. In fact, beans can bring comfort to all ages. Children who don’t feel like they have a voice or have trouble sharing their thoughts and feelings often find themselves running their hands through the field of beans. The same goes for teenagers. Little ones, of course want to play with the beans, which provides a great opportunity to evaluate self-control, adherance to limits and their depth of imagination or level of organization. Beans are awesome! The video shown here represents a variety of bean benefits! An older adolescent, actually, a young adult, worked out many complicated issues in her sessions week after week while sorting beans. This person successfully sorted out ALL of the kidney beans, sorting on many levels! It is so curious to children to come to their therapy session and notice that something has happened involving the beans. It gives children and teens a real sense of commonality with others as well as insight. They come to learn that some people think like they do and some think differently, and it’s all ok. They learn that, while I may share something about the “beans,” I won’t “spill the beans.” They can trust that I will keep their confidence, just like I keep the confidence of the last “bean worker.” As you see in the video, a young person is re-mixing the kidney beans. This young person, being someone who really struggles with self-control and had been held back for weeks from mixing the beans that had been sorted out. We shared such a delightful moment when she was finally permitted to “mix!” Timing is so important, but relationship is more! So the cycle will continue when many young people come in this week and discover the new state of the beans! Tracy Lamperti, Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant