Tracy Lamperti

The Dopifying of Men and Boys These Days

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 18:18:25 GMT

Do you get it that every time we seem to turn on the tv, news or in the movies these days the boys and men are getting terrible representation? Whether they are kowtowing to a bossy woman, making obscene gestures or noises, getting drunk or on drugs, committing some stupid crime, espousing the effeminate or acting like a pompus a__, or the countless other ways that they are being portrayed.

What was wrong with Davy Crockett, or Huck Finn, Andy Griffith, Superman? Why have Sponge Bob and Homer Simpson and the many other “men” of today been selling by being so stupid? I am not up on any of today’s shows, but I get the point from the stories I hear, that it is not good. Even when an olympic star comes into the spotlight, all too often the story is tainted by some remark or behavior he made, not realizing everyone was watching.

Where are the boys supposed to get their education? And what about the girls? Where are they supposed to learn who would make a good husband and father?

What brought this on was my prepping for morning meeting tomorrow at the Lamperti Homeschool. I was looking for something good in The Children’s Book of Virtues , Edited by William J. Bennett, Illustrated by Michael Hague. I just happened to open to page 38, Boy Wanted , by Frank Crane. I won’t put the whole story here, but here is a sample.

“Wanted-a boy who stands straight, sits straight, acts straight and talks straight; ….
A boy who listens carefully when he is spoken to, who asks questions when he does not understand, and does not ask questions about things that are none of his business;…
A boy who is polite to every man and respectful to every woman and girl;
A boy who does not smoke cigarettes and has no desire to learn how;
A boy who neither bullies other boys nor allows other boys to bully him;…
A boy who looks you right in the eye and tells the truth every time;…
A boy who is not goody-goody, a prig, or a little pharisee, but just healthy, happy, and full of life.
This boy is wanted everywhere. The family wants him, the school wants him, the office wants him, the boys want him, the girls want him, all creation wants him.”

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
http://www.tracylamperti.com

Before You Seek Therapy For Your Child

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 18:14:12 GMT

Photo by Michelle Kaye

Before You Seek Therapy for Your Child*

10 Helpful Tips!

Cut out 20% of the TV watching (100% of the shows depicting violence, disrespect of parents, dummying down of fathers/husbands, and those that portray women as sex objects).
Reduce “electronic time” (computers, texting and internet phones, video games) by 40% (100% of games depicting graphic violence or any level of sex).
Clean out 60% of the sweets and processed foods in your house.
Find a way to stop 80% of the strife between the adults in the home. Seek professional help if necessary.
Fill these voids with “family time.” Get your children interested in the hoards of toys they have that are buried in a closet or under their bed.
Wait one month. If you are still concerned about your child, consider what you (the adults) need help with to build a stronger family and support the child you are concerned about.
If you are still concerned about your child, interview therapists. Always consult with the therapist prior to bringing your child in for a session.
Gain as clear of an understanding as you are able about how the therapist works;
What is the therapist’s experience with issues that you are concerned about?
To what degree does the therapist involve parents? There is a large spectrum of views, from the therapist meeting behind closed doors with the child, wherein everything is confidential between therapist and child, to family sessions where parents are present during all sessions.
What is the plan? Is it a “let’s get started and see what happens” approach, or are there goals and a review date set at the first session.
Just what does the therapist do with the child in sessions? Do they play games? Draw? Free Play? Role Play? Work on worksheets and specific skill development? Meditation? Music? In a recent case, I began working with a child who came from a therapist who “played games” during all of the sessions. Upon further inquiry, the games were on a Wii. Therapeutic? Maybe. Therapy? hmmm.
Be sure to understand what will be required of you as the parent or guardian. Will there be homework? How exactly are you support the progress?
Ensure that you, as the parent or guardian, know some of the background of the therapist. There are many controversial issues in our culture today. Some believe the therapist is supposed to be a “blank slate.” Some therapists belief they are a “blank slate.” No one is a blank slate. Some therapists are able to be very professional in the way in which they approach issues that are in conflict with their own beliefs. Some are also very honest in letting prospective clients know that there may be a conflict, wherein their child may be better served by a colleague or another therapist. I could present many different scenarios here, however, let me just say, you must not assume, for example, that a therapist is not, under any circumstances, going to talk to your child about a sexual issue, or a political issue, or any other controversial issue. In the event that there is a degree of difference between your family view of the topic and the therapist’s view of the topic, you may be creating more of an issue for your child.

*In circumstances where something sudden or out of the ordinary has come to light with a child, particularly if the child has experienced a trauma, demonstrated serious emotional symptoms, made statements indicating that they may be thinking of hurting themselves or someone else, or there are suspicions of abuse, a parent or guardian should consult with a professional immediately.

Talking Beans

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 18:08:32 GMT

What are those?
Are those beans?
What are they for?
Can I touch them?

One can learn a lot about a child by watching them play. Play gives us a glimpse into the thought process, emotions, relationships and the way they organise and put things together. With beans, even a teenager or adult can “sort things out” with beans, sand and other materials. Beans make a good medium for tea parties, hide and seek, play ground play, imaginative water, etc. In fact, beans can bring comfort to all ages. Children who don’t feel like they have a voice or have trouble sharing their thoughts and feelings often find themselves running their hands through the field of beans. The same goes for teenagers. Little ones, of course want to play with the beans, which provides a great opportunity to evaluate self-control, adherance to limits and their depth of imagination or level of organization.

Beans are awesome!

The video shown here represents a variety of bean benefits! An older adolescent, actually, a young adult, worked out many complicated issues in her sessions week after week while sorting beans. This person successfully sorted out ALL of the kidney beans, sorting on many levels!

It is so curious to children to come to their therapy session and notice that something has happened involving the beans. It gives children and teens a real sense of commonality with others as well as insight. They come to learn that some people think like they do and some think differently, and it’s all ok.

They learn that, while I may share something about the “beans,” I won’t “spill the beans.” They can trust that I will keep their confidence, just like I keep the confidence of the last “bean worker.” As you see in the video, a young person is re-mixing the kidney beans. This young person, being someone who really struggles with self-control and had been held back for weeks from mixing the beans that had been sorted out. We shared such a delightful moment when she was finally permitted to “mix!” Timing is so important, but relationship is more!

So the cycle will continue when many young people come in this week and discover the new state of the beans!

Tracy Lamperti, Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

Invite Me

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 17:58:43 GMT

What’s this? You didn’t know you could invite me to talk to your group of friends or colleagues, for FREE!

Yes, it’s true! I am in my 25th year of practice and have set some ambitious goals to reach individuals with information about;

Child Sexual Abuse

Personal Safety

Sexual Integrity

For this entire year I will come to your group, at no charge (within a certain distance) and introduce or elaborate on a variety of topics, such as;

Grooming – How sexual predators “groom”/or condition children for abuse and silence.
Questions to ask of “Child Serving Organizations” to ensure to the best of your ability that the program is as safe as possible for children from sexual abuse.
Things to consider when taking your family out in public or on vacation to raise awareness of safety and protection.
Sending your child to school as a confident child who will resist negative influences, stand up against bullying and respect themself and others.
Building a family environment where media and electronics do not destroy.
Teaching youth the truth about relationships and how to protect their heart and health from myths and pressures of our sexualized culture.
and much, much, more!

What is your group interested in talking more about?

Contact me by phone, email, Facebook, twitter, linked in…….or any of these methods to ask me what I can do for your group, or tell me what your group needs.

Thank you for allowing me to continue to serve!

Tracy Lamperti

774-722-5919

Join Me for an Awesome Experience!

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 17:47:11 GMT

Will you join me?

My good friend and colleague http://www.carolnickerson.org/index.html is providing a training on Focusing.

“Focusing” is a way of deeply listening to yourself. It bypasses the intellectual analyzing and taps into the wisdom in our body-mind.

This training isn’t just for professional counselors like me! It is used by women and men in everyday life and professionals like counselors and pastors. Anyone can benefit from focusing! If you are stuck in an area of your life or looking to move beyond some issue that just gets repeated over and over again. Learn the skill of focusing to be happier, healthier, more productive, in healthier relationships and a better parent!

I’m excited! Will you join me? Contact Carol Nickerson for more information. carollicsw@comcast.net

Click here for more information. Tools for Life

One on One Situations

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 17:24:13 GMT

The Stewards of Children training offers SO much important information.

About the MOST important thing you will learn in this training is about situations where children would potentially be exposed to One on One Situations.

A One on One situation is any situation where your child would be alone with an adult, older child, bigger child, or child that your child might perceive as more dominant, even if that child is younger or smaller.
Potential One on One situations might be as follows:

Your child has to use the bathroom and his whole class is on the playground;

Your child skins their knee and is taken for a bandade;

Your child is acting out and needs to be removed from the group;

All of the other children have been picked up and your child is the last one, waiting with the last teacher;

Your child is taken out of the classroom for special help or a music lesson; These are just some examples. Challenge yourself to think of others.

What should you do about One on One situations?

First, you should attend the next Stewards of Training Workshop (see below); three of your valuable hours spent learning to protect your dear child.
You should ask anyone who provides care to your child, “What is the policy about ‘one on one situations’ in your program (school, music studio, recreation department…).

IF they respond right away with an explanation, you know you are on the right track. If they tilt their head, squint their eyes, ask what you mean, etc. EITHER THEY HAVEN’T BEEN TRAINED AND/OR THEY DON’T HAVE A POLICY.

At minimum, you are looking for knowledge in their response and you are looking for buzz words, about any one on one situation being “observable” and “interruptible.”

In these days, with all of the headlines, programs should be able to field questions like this without a pause.

There are definite next steps to take in either scenario, but too lengthy for this blog post. I urge you to take the training or contact me for more information.

This is an empowerment program, not a paranoia or scare based program. Even given the numbers of 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys being sexually abused before their 18th birthday, it is important to keep a sense of perspective. While we have to keep in mind that there are offenders in the local community, the vast majority of people do not sexually abuse children. Our #1 defense and method to keep children safe in our community is to begin to talk about CSA and educate ourselves about CSA. I double and triple urge every parent to take this training or call me directly for assistance. Between my services, other qualified professionals, Children’s Cove Independence House, and others, every adult; parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle….should be trained, along with EVERY person providing any level of care to a minor. It is an adult responsibility to protect children from sexual abuse! Click here for testimonials from Cape Cod parents and professionals who took this training with Tracy Lamperti.

What: Stewards of Children Training

When: Thursday, May 9th, 6-9pm

Where: Orleans Area, specific location to be announced.

$25 per person

Click here to Register Online
or by mailing payment directly to:
Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
57 Route 6A
Orleans, MA 02653

What About Tickling? Gateways to the Victim

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 17:18:12 GMT

There are a percentage of sexual offenders/perpetrators/criminals that snatch a child or make a sexual move on a child, all at once and without any precursory behaviors. Here, we are talking about the creepy guy sitting in the white van or the guy in the trench coat at the park. We most definitely need to safeguard against these very disastrous acts of crime. However, only 5% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by a stranger *(Snyder, 2000).

56% of those that sexually abuse a child are acquaintances of either the child or the family (Snyder, 2000). Gateways to the victim, also called “grooming” is the act of successive, thought out strategies used by a perpetrator with the victim and/or the family in order to facilitate their being able to carry out the acts of sexual abuse on the child with the highest probability of being able to do it without getting caught. While not all adults who tickle children are paving the way to sexually abuse them, tickling is a good example of the grooming process.

When trust can be won over and defenses can be disarmed, the offender is then able to have their way with the child. With the example of tickling, the perpetrator is able to publicly and/or privately tickle just a little bit. The act is carried out cheerfully and playfully. In this “controlled experiment” the offender is able to see if anyone is going to set a limit, “Oh, Uncle John, we have a ‘no tickling rule’ in our family. Stop tickling Sam.” Some parents fear that others will see them as ridiculous.

“Everyone is having fun…what is your problem??” When no one puts the brakes on the behavior, Uncle John then has a slip of the hand. He then observes whether the child says anything when their “private part” is rubbed, or if any adults notice. If so, he promptly apologizes and calls it an accident and he knows to be more careful next time, take another route or choose another child/family. If not, now that they are having loads of fun, Uncle John begins to pick the child up, play more hands on games and has successfully disarmed the child and the adults to the point that everyone is comfortable, or, a new norm has been set with Uncle John that people may not be comfortable with, but, “…it’s just Uncle John.” Uncle John is now able to take it to the next level. Sometimes the “grooming” process can go on for months before any act of reportable sexual abuse is committed. Often, the lines of what is appropriate and what is over the line become very blurred. Once a reportable act of sexual abuse HAS occurred, the child often feels responsible, in that they have never said anything before, so who would believe them now. There are many more examples of “grooming” and what you should know.

Next week I will address the lies that a perpetrator actually tells the child about the abuse. Please, if these informational posts are triggering you because sexual abuse has touched your life in a personal way, now is the time to seek assistance. “IT IS THE SILENCE THAT POISONS OUR FAMILIES” (Former Miss America, Marilyn van Derbur, Stewards of Children) I urge every parent to take this training or call me directly for assistance. Between my services, other qualified professionals, Children’s Cove ,Independence House, and others, every adult; parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle….should be trained, along with EVERY person providing any level of care to a minor. *Snyder, H. N. (2000). Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics.

What: Stewards of Children Training

When: Thursday, May 9th , 6-9pm

Where: Orleans Area, specific location to be announced.

$25 per person

Click Here to Register Online

Click here for testimonials from Cape Cod parents and professionals who took this training with Tracy Lamperti.
Thursday, May 9th , 6-9pm
$25 per person
Location to be announced – central to Orleans

Why Doesn’t the Child Tell Someone?

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 17:13:54 GMT

73% of child victims do not tell anyone about the abuse for at least a year.
45% of victims do not tell anyone for at least 5 years. Some never disclose
(Smith et al., 2000; Broman-Fulks et al., 2007).

WHY?

The child was “groomed” so well that they didn’t even know that they were being sexually abused. (see last week’s post about “grooming.”)

The boundaries are so loose in the child’s life that things were allowed to happen without the child realizing it wasn’t appropriate; showering together, witnessing adults having sex, being exposed to pornography or even milder sexual images.

More often, sexual abuse does not physically hurt the child. If the offender caused physical pain child would be more likely to
have observable symptoms and the child would be less likely to come near the offender.

Parents are busy and even very good parents can leave their child with someone who gives them a “gut feeling” that something isn’t right, whether that is a relative or paid provider.

It is hard for parents to speak up about things that are wrong.
How much harder can it be for a child?

As parents may fear that others will see their concerns as ridiculous, children fear that they might be wrong, get in trouble, or not be believed and even worry that the offender might get in trouble.

When abuse has occurred more than a few times, the child might feel guilty. Since they didn’t say something the first time, they must have wanted to do it and feel they have to keep the secret now.

These are just some of the reasons that children do not tell.

Remember, most offenders are “Tricky People.” Most offenders know that in order to get what they want, they need to play their cards right by choosing the right family, the right child, the right words, the right locations, the right times, the right tricks.

Next week I will address the epidemic of juvenile offenders.

Please, if these informational posts are triggering you because sexual abuse has touched your life in a personal way, now is the time to seek assistance. “IT IS THE SILENCE THAT POISONS OUR FAMILIES” (Former Miss America, Marilyn van Derbur, Stewards of Children)

I urge every parent to take this training or call me directly for assistance. Between my services, other qualified professionals, Children’s Cove, Independence House, and others, every adult; parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle….should be trained, along with EVERY person providing any level of care to a minor.

It is an adult responsibility to protect children from sexual abuse!

Click here for testimonials from Cape Cod parents and professionals who took this training with Tracy Lamperti.

What: Stewards of Children Training

When: Thursday, May 9th , 6-9pm

Where: Orleans Area, specific location to be announced.

$25 per person

Click Here to Register Online

By Tracy Lamperti,
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

Please see http://www.tracylamperti.com for more information about working with children and families or specifically about sexual abuse.

If you would like 1:1 assistance, please contact Tracy Lamperti for a consultation.

Bike Helmets

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 17:08:50 GMT

As I traveled close behind my seven year old daughter today on a fun bike ride to the Hot Chocolate Sparrow, I watched as she curved to the left, dropped to the ground and her head (covered by her bike helmet), smashed on the pavement and literally bounced! It all seemed to happen in slow motion. I was terrified, at the same time as telling myself “she has a helmet on.” As I went to her and determined that she was basically ok, aside from a scraped and bruised knuckle and she herself being terrified that she must have hurt her head, I was filled with gratefulness and thanksgiving that, but for the helmet, my little girl would be laying there with a severe head injury.

So I am taking this opportunity to promote not just the helmet, and not just the helmet for children, but the proper fit for the helmet. I am probably not alone in saying that I have seen many children with “floppy” helmets, helmets dipped forward, helmets tipped way back, and rarely with children, but often with adults, NO HELMET AT ALL, sorry to say, myself included.

For some odd reason, before we left today I decided to put my own helmet on, AND I strapped a really goofy looking half-milk-crate onto my bike rack and said, “I can put the first aid kit in there!” Thank God I didn’t need my helmet and didn’t really need the first aid kit, but I HAD THEM!

This was a very good lesson for my daughter, and myself about helmets. While neither of my children have every questioned the need to wear their helmet, today my daughter and myself got an up close and personal lesson on the vital necessity of the helmet. I won’t soon forget the image and sound of her head (helmet) smashing on the pavement, nor will she forget the feel and sound of her head, in it’s little “helmet home,” smashing on the pavement.

Every time she complains about her sore hand I just start overflowing with gratefulness about the gift of the helmet and her hand feels better!

Here are a couple of links that might be helpful;

http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/injuryprevention/a/BikeHelmetFit.htm

http://www.nhtsa.gov/people/injury/pedbimot/bike/easystepsweb/index.htm

Please, make sure your children and yourself have a properly fitted bike helmet and that you wear it every time, as I now will!

Are You Someone’s Neighbor?

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 16:42:47 GMT

Linda and I around 1990

Are You Someone’s Neighbor?

When I was born, I was given the blessing of wonderful neighbors. They were my grandparents’ age and their names were Linda and Louis. They lived a few houses down on the same side of the street and they loved me, and my brother and mother.

I spent many days as a little girl with Linda and Louis. Though I must have been very young, I remember spending a lot of time on Louis’ lap. He smoked a cigar and I am told that many times I came home smelling like his cigar. I didn’t mind at all and no one else seemed to either. My father was not there for me and the time with Louis was more valuable that I could have ever known.

I remember calling my Mom and asking if I could sleep over. She would ask where I was going to sleep and I would tell her, “In Linda’s bed.” (Many couples slept in separate twin beds then.) She would ask, “Where is Linda going to sleep?” and I would tell her, “In the ‘guestes’ room.” Other times, I would pack my suitcase from home and my Mom would stand outside of our house and Linda would stand outside of her house and they would watch me walk from one to the other.

Many mornings I went with Linda and her friend Gertrude (I can’t remember if Louis came with us), for a “coffee break.” We would get in the car, with me sitting on the arm rest, between the driver and passenger, so I could see better (no seat belts then). We would drive to Howard Johnson’s (currently The Lost Dog in Orleans) and I would have something like a muffin and juice.

Sometimes they bought me a little toy after (but I think my Mom put a stop to that after too many toys).

I have so many memories that are like treasures to me. Louis accompanied me to an occasional Father/daughter event. I watched the “Soaps” with Linda. Linda knit me many adorable clothes. She took me for walks on the beach and I would jump the railroad ties. They taught me about the birds that came to the bird feeder and helped me with a school report on a chickadee. They told me many things about how to be and how not to be. Linda gave me important tips about being a lady.

They were there in hard times as well. When my father broke his arm in a nearby house, because he had had too much to drink and/or the house that he was doing construction at had a wobbly front step, I was just a little girl and my brother was very young as well. We knew to lead him right across the street to Linda and Louis’ house and they would help us. When I took a terrible fall on my lime-green banana bike, a neighborhood boy helped me get to Linda and Louis’ house where they helped me with my many bad wounds until my Mom arrived. And when I fell on a deck and filled both hands with dozens of splinters, it was Louis who meticulously and as gently as he could, removed each one. Louis was always my splinter-taker-outer and I trusted him completely. And it was Linda, who when it was all over, lovingly saw my silent pain and told me that I could cry. There are so many other memories that I cherish.

With Linda and Louis there was never a harsh word, never a cross look, never anything but gentleness, love, protection and comfort.

My family moved when I was 10 years old. The saddest part about moving was losing my neighbors. Maybe a year or two later, when my Mom picked me up at school, she told me that Louis had gone out to his back deck to shovel snow, had a heart attack and died. Not too long after that, Linda moved to Florida.

It’s amazing what love can do! Children don’t know what benefits they are getting by being loved, as I didn’t know what I was getting from their love. Love is about the greatest gift we can give one another. In fact, from scripture we hear;

“You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets” Matthew 22:37-40.

One of the definitions of “neighbor” is “a fellow human being.”

When I put them together, I hear that it is of supreme importance to love fellow human beings. We are bombarded with bad news these days; of instances of hate and violence and evil. I find myself becoming saturated with all of it, like a sponge that cannot hold any more water. When we watch the media and hear the stories, it’s like this evil has so much power. Then we hear about the government, and think, the government has so much power; trying to convince us that by changing laws and managing society that our little children and loved ones will be protected. But really, the evil doesn’t have the power. The government doesn’t have the power. THE PEOPLE HAVE THE POWER! The power is in the LOVE . The healing is in the LOVE . The change is in the LOVE . And the author and creator of love, is God, who wants to prosper us and not harm us.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

The influence you have as a neighbor, whether to someone next door, a Facebook friend, or someone across the world, when you LOVE them, is more powerful than I think we will ever even know.

I learned this week that my dear neighbor Linda died recently. She lived to 105 years! She was neighbor to many and I trust that Our Lord called to her, having prepared a place for her to continue to shower others with her love. She is the quintessential neighbor and I have been blessed. Linda and Louis meant so much to our family.

We Had the Same Rainbow Sneakers

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 14:59:12 GMT

In the mid to late 70’s it was really “in” for girls to have Nike-like sneakers with rainbow stripes on the sides. In my last post I talked about how I am nothing more than anyone sitting on the couch across from me. This fact hit me square in my brain and heart all at once on a particular day at work, early in my career.

As a brand new Social Worker for the Department of Social Services, with not even two full months of experience behind me, based on urgent circumstances, I was required to go to the home of a young mother and father, with the police and remove their newborn and the baby’s 2 year old sibling.

In the months and years to follow there was a great deal of chaos and pain, from domestic violence, drugs and everything in between including another infant removed from this mother a few days after birth. I spent countless hours with this mother and father, much more with the mother. I brought her children to her every week for supervised visits, sat with her (but in opposition to her) at court every 3 months for the Judge to review the case, and took many calls from her. Her emotions were very frequently out of control, between her mental health diagnosis and drug abuse. On one occasion I found myself sneaking out of the crossfire between her and her boyfriend whipping crack pipes at each other; very chaotic indeed!

Her life was extremely turbulent and dangerous and she subsequently lost each and every one of the nine children she gave birth to. She was someone who was usually completely out of control. Anyone who knew her could easily tell that she was not capable of caring for a child. Her relationships with other adults and her children were very disturbed. Of course, there were moments that seemed very sincere and where a glimpse of “normal” could be seen. Not only did I learn a great deal from her, but I liked her very much. And even though she hated me so often, I think she really liked me too.

On this one particular day, she and I were sitting in her house, just the two of us. Somehow, I was given permission to look through the photo album on her coffee table. As I turned though the pages I came to a photo of her. She was at a school, or town ball field, probably 10 years old, wearing her softball team hat, with the letter of her town on the front, in her uniform and wearing nike-like rainbow sneakers. I was frozen! Racing through my mind was the simple fact that (she and I were very close in age), there is a photo album in my family home, with a picture of me, in my softball uniform, with my letter hat and rainbow sneakers!

I was dumbfounded! “She and I are the same. I could be her. She could be me.”

As I thought deeply about this after leaving her home that day, I thought, “What’s the difference between she and I?” Well, not that I didn’t experience hardship, betrayal and other challenges growing up, but the difference, I wasn’t being raped nightly by my father, with my mother standing by helplessly. I wasn’t experiencing my father beating my mother up at least once a week. I wasn’t being manipulated by my mother hating me one day and “loving” me the next. Yes, by 10 years old she had suffered atrocities under the care of her mother and father that by 10 years old I didn’t even know existed. This is not to say that she should be excused from abusing and neglecting her own children, doing drugs, violence and other criminal acts. There certainly is consequence. Losing your children and eventually ending up in long-term housing for the homeless/mentally ill is pretty significant.

However, when you are looking on at another mother, saying, “I could never do that to my children!” or “No way! Never!” just pause for a moment and think, “Was she dealt a different hand than me?”

This is also not to say that judgment is wrong. This woman was certainly judged, and thankfully so for her children’s sake. Without judgment, known dangers abound. Without judgment these children may have died. But when you judge, pause for a moment and think, “Is it my place to judge this person, or do the proper authorities have that covered?” Pause for a moment and consider, are you judging this person for the purpose of condemning them? Do you seek to criticize or make yourself bigger and better in comparison to them?

Or are you judging them in order to identify a problem.

Condemnation or identification?

Identification is necessary. When we don’t identify anything as good or bad we have no standard, we have no guidepost, no direction for our children.

When Uncle Henry shows up at every family event drunk, there is a judgment to be made. You could condemn him to your children, “Uncle Henry is a drunk. Stay away from him. He’s disgusting! What a loser! Don’t go near him!” Or you could identify him to your children, “Uncle Henry has a problem with alcohol. We love all of our family members but Uncle Henry is making really bad decisions. Because of his bad decisions, it’s not safe for you to be around him. Alcohol makes people behave in ways that they wouldn’t usually do when they are not drinking it.” Judgment for the purpose of identification is necessary.

*Details that might identify a former client are intentionally omitted or changed in order to protect confidentiality.

Tears

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 14:53:04 GMT

One might expect that as a psychotherapist, I see more tears than the average person. In actuality, I see quite a bit of anger, frustration, hopelessness and worry, but not as many tears as might be expected. Today my schedule was full, and there were tears in almost every hour.

Why This is a GOOD Thing

Dr. William Frey II, Ph.D. found that emotional tears are very complex. They assist us in shedding stress hormones; toxins that reduce our ability to function. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201007/the-health-benefits-tears

Crying has also been linked to the release of endorphins. Endorphins numb pain and improve mood. Generally after crying, our breathing, sweating, and heart rate decrease, and we enter a more relaxed state.

In my experience, crying is often a sign of openness. While there are different states that go along with different types of crying, in it’s purest form it demonstrates a vulnerability and connection where the crier is open to letting others in to their personal world. This sincere connection serves to heal emotional scars.

So, do I feel sad about my day that was filled with tears? Not at all. I feel humbled that others allowed themselves to let me in to their pain and that together in a healing relationship we can build newness in the core of who they are and what they experience.

And as a young child with hands full of splinters,

my neighbor lovingly said,

“You can cry.”

And I cried.

Talking to Young Children about Death

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 14:49:46 GMT

Talking to children about death.

My son Noah was very close to his great grandparents. My mother took care of him while I worked and she also provided a lot of care for her parents, so he spent a lot of time with his greats. He was just a young toddler and I knew that one day he would experience the death of a loved one. Grandma was getting quite aged and I wondered how I would explain to someone so young about death when that day came. These two books, and others in the Little Blessings series became among our most loved bedtime books. They are darling books, in poem-like style and with inviting illustrations of a group of multicultural children.

The whole process had me asking my own questions about what I believed about death. Do I have a guardian angel? Does everyone go to heaven? Is my father in heaven? Will I see my father if he is in heaven? What is heaven like? It can be a wonderful thing to have to explain something to a child, when we ourselves have to dig deep for the answers.

I had identified myself as a “Christian” for most of my life, yet I didn’t even know the answers to these questions, that are pretty clearly outlined in the Holy Bible. The Little Blessings books tell the story and provide specific scriptural references at the end of the story to address the truths that are claimed on the pages.

Now, I realize, not everyone is a Christian and there are many theories about deep issues such as this. I have no interest in telling anyone what to believe. I just can say that I believe the scriptures in the Holy Bible. I am a student of the Bible, so I don’t claim to understand it all. Some things I understand and believe. Some things I don’t understand, but I trust. Some things I have no clue, but rely on my Father in Heaven to reveal to me in His perfect timing, AND my brothers and sisters in Christ to help me understand.

Back to my son…and my grandmother.

The day drew near that she would be passing to Heaven. There were very few questions from my toddler. There was the trust of a child who had learned about Heaven and that God would supply perfect peace if we would trust in Him.

So often, a parent brings a child for therapy with me who has experienced the loss of a loved one. The parent describes to me, “I don’t know…I just told him Grandpa is in heaven. I didn’t really know what to say.” The child begins to ask a lot of questions and in everyone’s grief, words meant to be comforting are spoken; “You’ll see Grandpa again.” “Grandpa is looking down on you.” “Grandpa is your guardian angel.” Sometimes parents give the child a symbol or even a pendant with Grandpa’s ashes so that they can “hold on to Grandpa.” There are so many emotions during times of loss.

I encourage every parent to dig deep and really explore what they believe about death. From pets, to “road kill,” to strangers they hear about on the news, or any of the dozens or hundreds of people (even children) who die every year by tragedy, to Grandma or Grandpa, your children will experience death and they will have questions.

But I can’t leave without sharing the ending of the story of my son and his great grandmother. My mother had gone to be with my grandmother as she was dying. That night at bedtime, my son wasn’t coming when I called. I went to see what had caught his attention and he was sitting on the stairs. I asked him what he was doing and he said, “Great Grandma is dancing in heaven with a yellow dress.” It was just a sweet moment because of course, she was dying. When I talked to my mother the next morning and she told me at what time my grandmother died, it was right at the time that my son paused on the stairs. Great Grandma never wore a yellow dress that I knew of, and I’m not typically a person who thinks supernatural things are true, but though I tried, this one I could not deny.

One of my favorite verses, John 14:2-3 (NIV) My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Responding to young people who were present at the Orleans Fire

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 14:39:11 GMT

Tracy Lamperti, Board Certified Expert of Traumatic Stress

Hundreds of families/children were present last night at the Orleans Fireworks display and found themselves too close for comfort to the unexpected fire that erupted at the end. The statistics show that among direct witnesses to even fatal traumatic events such as 9/11 and the marathon bombing, less than half go on to experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, possibly as few as 20%. The event last night certainly pales in comparison to a traumatic event where lives are lost or serious injuries are sustained, however, it is important to recognize that there are needs of those who were present, and that while some thought the event was simply exciting, others experienced the event as acutely stressful. Following are some tips about how to approach children about this event.

Censor, censor, censor!

I was just at the Superette picking up a few things. EVERYONE was talking about it. (Well, not everyone.) Everyone has a commentary. Some people give an account with great emotion in their voice and strong opinion. Our children don’t need to hear adults expressing “Big Emotion.” It is ok to say to your children when you get back into the car, something like, “People can get caught up in the excitement of it all! Let’s try to remember that everyone got out safe and sound and the emergency personnel did a great job helping everyone stay protected.” Be careful of your own conversation on the phone and at home with family and friends. It is important that your children not be witness to the “drama aftermath.”

Model calm and containment.

Our children are watching others but the ones with the strongest influence are their parents. They will mirror your response in more cases than not.

Ask, check-in and ask again if your children want to talk about it.

People benefit from being allowed to share their own experience, in their own words, and having loved ones be good listeners. Some good questions are, “What was it like for you when you realized a fire had started?” “What were you thinking when I quickly said, let’s get our things and get to the car?” Try to avoid statements that assign feelings that may not be accurate, such as, “You must have been terrified!” “How awful for a child to experience something like that.” Once there have been a few talks about it, let it rest. Check in with your children about other aspects of their life and look for cues, IF there are any, that your child wants to talk some more about it. A few weeks later is a good time, such as around the dinner table, to bring it up again, “Has anyone been thinking about the night of the fireworks?” If so, give turns to talk and listen.

Try to avoid strong commentary.

As I might be thinking, “Come on, why didn’t they call it because of the wind!? What were they thinking!” “Who’s to blame?” kind of thinking. Our children don’t need to sort out the blame or feel conflict or dissension, especially if YOU really wanted to pack up the kids and go and your husband said it’s too windy, but you won.

Experience safe and healthy fire.

If you have a back yard fire pit, get it going. Be very safe and talk openly about how you are being safe. How is the wind? Is long hair tied back? Is there water within reach? How do we put it out and make sure it is out? Are sparks falling on dry grass? Use the opportunity to talk about fire safety. Let your children beckon the question, “I think it was too windy to have fireworks that night.” If you don’t have a fire pit, light a candle at the table for dinner and include some points about safety.

Reinforce the fact that the outcome was positive.

Talk about the fire and police departments and what their roles were and the fact that there were no injuries and the fire was extinguished quickly.

Trauma/Acute Stress affects the brain on some level.

When people are frightened, they often become unconsciously hyper-aware of certain senses like smell and taste, especially where there is a strong sensation such as the smell of fire/something burning. Upon smelling the same smell at a later date, the person can be re-triggered to have bad feelings. They sometimes don’t even realize the two are paired or where the bad feelings are coming from. It can be helpful to unconsciously re-pair new sensations to the memories of the event. This can be done by playing calming music softly while the person is talking about the event. You can also work the aromatherapy angle by introducing a pleasant scent while the person is talking about the event. You don’t have to explain to your child that you are doing this. Just do it. The brain works to create new pathways for the memory. So put a nice scent in your purse or in the kitchen drawer just in case.

All in all, it is a blessing that all were safe and the only loss appears to be beach grass and equipment use. I trust that there will be very few significant lasting negative emotional consequences of this event. Positively, families can use the experience to draw closer together and make it a learning experience for their family and one that will guide your child in safety ways as they grow up and start their own family. It is a good lesson for understanding the impact of a small spark.

Blessings to all of you for a safe and happy rest of the summer!

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

I Can’t Shake These Feelings

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 14:30:47 GMT

Enjoy the Gifts of Nature!

Every so often I notice a theme emerging in my psychotherapy practice. As of recently, the emergent theme has been with women and questions have come up about how essential oils may be of help, since I am always diffusing Young Living Essential Oils * in my office.

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“I am blessed with a great family and great friends, my health is good, my life is generally stable and there are many good things in my life…but I can’t get out from under this depression and (or) anxiety. Some bad things have happened in my past and I have worked on some of those things, but now, I “should” be happy, but I don’t feel happy. In fact, I can’t seem to feel joy.”

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Same Old Patterns

Sometimes when we can’t let go of the past or feel like it won’t let go of us it can be related to what is going on the the present. Without being aware, there could be current issues with a parent or a spouse or children, that are triggering old or never let go of thought patterns. It is not necessarily an indication of a negative current relationship with mom or husband, etc., but more an issue of discovery about what is triggering you and learning new ways of tackling it.

We tend to connect with people, who may later become our spouse, that replicate the same emotional patterns as significant early relationships. We also sometimes, inadvertently replicate parent-child dynamics with our own children, even when we made a commitment to not do so. In this case, the right therapist is often needed to help navigate new patterns, because, in the case of old dynamics being triggered with a spouse, it is quite possible that they also may be repeating patterns from their earlier life.

Now is Different from Then

When there is no need for symptoms, symptoms will cease to exist, UNLESS, we are living in “automatic mode” rather than in awareness. For example, when you were a child and felt like you had no voice, you may have truly HAD NO VOICE. Children in many instance; 1. don’t have the vocabulary and/or insight to express their experience, and 2. may not have been expected to voice their feelings or experiences. This may be the case with a “love relationship” in later teen years or early 20s. In a controlling, emotionally abusive relationship, you may have felt like you had no voice, and you actually may have had no voice, because your boyfriend couldn’t tolerate you having a voice. This leads to now, you feel like you have no voice. But when I stop and check it out, or feel it out with your husband, you see that not only you do have a voice, but he wants to hear your voice.

New Associations

When things from the past are being triggered, you don’t have to “white knuckle it” and be consumed by the bad feelings. Let’s say you made a poor decision, or many poor decisions, or a huge poor decision. If you in fact know that you have worked on this issue, and even prayed about it, and even believed that the Lord has done a work in you with it, you can remind yourself that you already reconciled that one. Reconciling it doesn’t mean you forgot about it or it was erased from your memory. Thanks be to God if He did remove it from you completely. I believe He can do that! But that’s not the story for most of us. The memory or feeling will resurface and when it does we need to remind ourselves of the victory that we already had over it and give thanks for that! Aromatherapy can have an amazing impact on us, both positive and negative. A scent can immediately bring back a feeling from the past and all of the emotions that went with that feeling. However, it can also help build a new experience. As you are siting in a quiet place, contemplating and giving thanks for what you have already accomplished in this area, you can bring a lovely new scent to the experience and build a new experience, whereby the next time you feel defeated, you can bring out the scent, place a drop on your palms, rub your hands together, cup your hands in front of your face and inhale.

You Are Adored*

Not many people know what I went through in my past. Even though I am a psychotherapist and look like I have it all together, the same thing happens to me and I have to do these things also. We could have a big discussion about Satan here and talk about how Satan wants to bring us down with our past. I don’t think of it that way. I think of it more like, God wants us to love and adore Him and He wants us to receive all of the gifts that He has for us. Even if you don’t feel that you are adored by someone, know that God Adores you. I do not believe He wants us to give our attention to a battle with Satan.

A New Therapy Experience

Maybe you have had a positive relationship and made progress with a therapist in the past. Sometimes things have to come together in the right way for this to occur – timing, readiness, circumstances, current relationships, etc. Sometimes we need to do a piece of therapy and then just live. When we go back at a later time we can do another piece of the work. Maybe it’s time to interview a couple of therapists or get some referrals from someone you trust.

Taking Care of Me

Are you at a point in your life that you can really take care of yourself – set aside time to plan your menu, carve out a quiet time each day, make time to walk or any other exercise that you like, etc. Is your “me time” consumed by surfing the web or checking all of your social media feeds? Can you match the time you spend on these activities with time devoted to “calm” and “peace.” Can you match digital time, which is “static” in the brain with peaceful activities? I find it interesting that when I ask a person to spend 7 minutes, twice per day doing an uninterupted focus, such as being in a quite room, without distractions and maybe a recording of a stream or birds, 9x out of 10 they come back and say they didn’t do it. SEVEN MINUTES!

As for the essential oils*, you could experiment with a lovely scent in your “me time.” When you sense a panic attack coming on or are feeling down, I would take the opportunity to place a drop of my favorite oil (or change it up between a couple of nice scents) in my palm and breath deeply. This way, you will “support your feelings of well-being,” and know that you can take steps to care for yourself and have positive results. I love the oils for associating new emotions to old experiences.

Blessings!

~Tracy

*Disclaimer #1 – In addition to being an LMHC, I personally use essential oils and I am an Independent Distributor of Young Living Essential Oils. This post is not intended to diagnose, cure, treat or prevent disease or illness and it is not intended to solicit Young Living Essential Oil sales.

*Disclaimer #2 – In addition to being an LMHC, I am a Christian. “If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. ~Romans 10:9. This post is not intended to make any claim that any person should believe as I believe.

5 Benefits of Your Brain on Smile

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 14:24:34 GMT

Her warm, sweet smile makes everyone around her smile too!

Whether you want to be happier, more productive, get more customers, cope with chronic illness or pain, give more smiling a chance! The studies noted below included people with mood disorders, neurological disorders, stress, pain and others.

Since smiling is contagious, we must fill our house with smiling to create an environment where children thrive in skill and confidence!

We must smile at our husband and wife to bring about a more harmonious marriage!

When we feel like we may blow our top, it might be best to step away, smile for a few cycles of 5 seconds and then return to the dilemma. A great way to force a smile, because the studies below demonstrate that even if the smile is fake it has a positive result on our brain/mood, is to hold a pencil in your teeth. See the study here !

Her warm, sweet smile makes everyone around her smile too!

Smiling repetitively helps to interrupt mood disorders and strengthen the brain’s neural ability to maintain a positive outlook on life. Buddhism incorporates smiling into their meditations and Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, “If we are not able to smile, then the world will not have peace.”
Smiles are neurologically contagious in every culture, and women are more susceptible than men.
Smiling stimulates brain circuits that enhance social interactions, empathy, and mood.
If you see a picture of a smiling face, you will involuntarily feel happier and more secure.
Listening to “happy” music can stimulate a smile response and improve your mood, especially when you are dealing with a chronic serious disease.

References:

Do You Choose the Health & Wellness Model or Illness?

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 13:53:50 GMT

Many of us are looking for growth opportunities for our children. We want to support their health, wellness and positive emotional development. We want to assist them with healthy character traits development.

As a therapist for over 25 years, my passion is to work in the wellness framework, even in the most desperate of circumstances.

Managed care, and basically, America as a whole, pushes us to gain an understanding of what is “wrong” by giving a diagnosis and a corresponding medication.

When we could put recess, gym class, music and art back into the curriculum, as it was in the past, we are instead putting “movement stations” in the classrooms. This sends the message that sitting quietly at any given time is unrealistic and/or those who can’t sit quietly have a disorder.

When we could expect young people to put down their electronic devices before dinner and relax their brains from such static for at least 2 hours before bed, we are giving them too much free reign. Schools adapt to sleepy students by adjusting the school start time.

When we could turn off the despicable content on the TV, we are letting them watch almost whatever they want, and many parents are watching it with them. When the children then act out these behaviors, we call a therapist and speculate about what diagnosis they have.

When we could offer healthy foods, we are instead offering convenient foods.

There are SO many things keeping all of us from health and keeping children from healthy brain, body, soul and mind development.

An essential oil applied to the nape of the neck or bottom of the foot isn’t going to fix this. However, if you are interested in supporting health and wellness and are looking to make positive changes, little by little, step by step, essential oils can be part of this process.

We have so many options to explore before letting our children be labeled with a diagnosis and given a prescription. Let’s give them healthy tools and options and see what they do with them.

If you would like to:

Enhance focus vs. treat ADHD

Enhance feelings of calm vs. treat anxiety

Improve prosocial behavior vs. treat ODD

Instill hope vs. treat depression

I would like to support you. I bring a full understanding of diagnosing, a license to practice and ability to accept almost all insurances to the table so that treatment options aren’t being overlooked. I am not anti-western medicine. I interact well with local pediatricians, PCPs, psychiatrists, nutritionists and other therapist.

Please visit www.tracylamperti.com and click the “book an appointment” button for your complimentary session, or call or text Tracy at 774-722-5919.

You or your child will NOT be given a diagnosis at this appointment.

10 Reasons to Rake Leaves as a Family

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 13:48:04 GMT

Do you want to prevent your children from giving you a heap of trouble when you ask them to help around the house? Even better, do you want your children to notice things around the house that need to be done, and just do them?!!! Start them early!

1. Young children love to help!

Early on, it doesn’t tend to matter if it’s cleaning the toilet, raking leaves or baking, kids want to try too! I know, it takes longer, but have fun with it! Give them a rag or a rake and let’s go! (Be sure you are not exposing them to harsh chemicals via sprays and other cleaners. Thieves Cleaner is an excellent options and it cleans pretty much everything in your house!)

2. Teaches siblings to work together, either directly or side-by-side!

Again, when you start them early, regardless of the age span, when your expectation is that they treat each other kindly and with respect, more often than not, they will do so, and have fun doing so. Some say “cousins are first best friends.” Well, siblings can be first and forever best friends when parents create an atmosphere of playing hard and working hard.

3. Provides an INTRINSIC reward!

Extrinsic rewards are things like, a dollar for doing a good job, or a trip to the toy store to pick out a toy. The intrinsic rewards are the ones that come from within the child. Intrinsic rewards are the good feelings that one gets from a job well done, i.e. “I did it!” “My dad gave me some instructions and I added my own ideas to make it an even greater success!” “We all worked together and got a big job done!” Extrinsic rewards will have the parents working hard, always, to convince the child that they will give them a big enough reward in exchange to do a chore, or their homework, or help out in any way.

4. Gets the job done!

Let’s face it, it’s a lot of work and they slow us down a great deal in the beginning learning process, but having a 13 and 18 year old in the house currently, I can tell you that they take a big load off for my husband and I! When you take the time early and keep at it, you will have productive older children and these older children are even likely to keep coming back after they leave the nest to see if they can lend you a hand. Sweet, right?!

5. Establishes a routine and expectation!

Children learn over time that we work together as a family and meet the needs of the family together. Everyone takes part. So often, parents are running around doing everything while their children are occupied on their electronic device, you know, the one you GAVE them. They go from begging the parent to hurrying up so they can do the fun thing the parent promised to do after the work, to not wanting the parent to be ready so they can spend more time on the electronic device. This is a dangerous precedent that tends to go along with children feeling and behaving in a self-centered, entitled and even helpless manner.

6. Teaches children to feel confident!

Erik Erikson, one of our founding personality theory psychologists talks about this in his 4th stage of development and it happens between the ages of 5 and 12. He calls it Industry vs. Inferiority. It has to do with children learning skills, which leads to feeling industrious (competent) and confident in their abilities. Without it, children tend to feel inferior and doubtful about themselves and their place in their peer group, family group and on their own. When children feel inferior, they tend to not try. They tend to lack confidence and experience worry, anxiety, depression.

7. Outdoor chores bring with them all of the healthy and even healing aspects of the outdoors!

Fresh air, the smell of leaves, grass, flowers, the warm feelings on your cheeks in warm weather and the cold cheeks of fall and winter will be sensations that get logged in the emotional center of the brain, forever! The vitamin D from the sun will also be a great benefit.

8. Teaches Executive Functioning Skills!

The buzz words in my field over the last few years are, “Executive Functioning Disorder.” “My child has EFD.” How fair is it to tag a child with a label and even qualify them for medication and special services when we have never taught them or expected them to do things like rake the leaves, wake up to their own alarm clock, get their own backpack ready. Busy parents are running around like crazy trying to get everything done in short order, while their child gets a few extra winks of sleep, takes a little longer with their breakfast or playing their video game. Teaching children how to organize a task like raking leaves will have value beyond any special ed plan that the school will devise for your child.

9. Gives them a heart for helping!

These are children who notice that the teacher might need help passing out papers or putting chairs up. They are young people who will notice the lady struggling to her car with her hands full. They will think to ask if Grandma and Grandpa might need help with their Fall clean-up.

10. Instills a “can-do” attitude!

Your child will be unstoppable when they have skills. How to organize the leaf raking involves many steps and as they grow, develop and experience, they will find their own way, and that way may even be better than your way.

You child needs you to be a strong minded parent who has expectations, teaching ability, patience and also a willingness to look at the destructive nature of passive entertainment, extrinsic rewards and laziness. Your little person is going to be a big person all too soon and it’s easier to raise them up well than to rebuild them later, or even worse, to have them be dependent on you into their 30s.

Note: The boy in the above picture had been working diligently while singing, “I’m Henery the Eighth, I Am” and frankly, we needed a break from it, so we told him to take a break.

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Should you exchange money for chores? Stay tuned for more next week!

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To stay connected, parent to parent and parent to professional, contact Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, below.

Should you pay them for chores?

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 13:36:13 GMT

Last week I talked about starting children early in helping out with family responsibilities. One of the points had to do with Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic rewards. Have a look here .

Intrinsic Rewards – “I can do something and by doing that something, I feel good about myself. It all comes from me!”

Extrinsic Rewards – “I need someone to tell me something or give me something. I don’t then feel good about myself, I feel good about what I got.”

Paying children for work they do in the family is an Extrinsic Reward and can be effective when done properly.

It is your child’s first employer/employee experience.
It helps to teach motivation to work hard.
It is your child’s first lesson in money management.
Unlike allowance, it teaches that money is not simply handed out to those standing in line.

Do we pay children for brushing their teeth or cleaning their room? Absolutely not! Do we pay them for setting the table or clearing the table? Not a good idea. Some things are done just because they are necessary and because we are a family. What about cleaning the bathroom? These days, lots of children have their own or a shared children’s bathroom. Best to have them take turns keeping it clean. However, the most important part is for the adults to put their heads together FIRST and decide what will receive pay and what is required as just being part of the family.

How much?

Before I talk about how much, let cover what to say.

Payday (pay hour for children), is a fabulous opportunity for adult and child to connect in a meaningful way. When the child has done a good job (even if much of their time was playing and singing – but still they did what you asked), the best message to communicate is, “Thank you for the work you did! I appreciate you so much!” Once you have thanked them, you can ask questions like, “How did you do that?” and make comments like, “I didn’t think of doing it that way, good idea!” or “You are great to have around! I can’t wait to see some of your other ideas!” These statements facilitate the child coming to conclusions like – I did a good job! I’m good at this! I’m strong! I’m smart! I’m important! When YOU say, “Good job!” you steal their thunder. Why not let them take all of the personal power?!

Alternatively, if they have not made a good effort, you can just as lovingly sit down with them, making good eye contact and ask them how they feel they did on the job. “Bob, your job was do rake up this section of leaves and put them in the barrel. How do you think you did?” If they did not do so well, you can, 1. offer to give them another chance, or 2. tell them, “I’m not going to be able to give you the full two dollars because you did not complete the job.”

When your feedback is, “Good job!” you steal their thunder. Why not let them take all of the personal power.

Preschool and Younger

A quarter dropped through the slot of a piggy bank can be very gratifying to a young child, the putting it in the slot and “clank” it makes when if falls in the jar. In fact, it is much more gratifying than handing them a dollar bill. You will want to be discrete. We would never line up the manager with the shelf stocker with the bagger, or the 15 year employee with the 5 week employee and hand out their pay.

Elementary Through Middle School

$1 to $4 is appropriate for most jobs. A child who is benefitting from intrinsic rewards already, will be grateful for any amount that their parent or other adult deems appropriate. Far too often, I have seen well-meaning parents, aiming to get their child started with chores by “bribing” the child with things like, enough money for a new playstation game. This is completely inappropriate. It is not true to life and will do nothing more than teach your child how to manipulate. The parent asks, “Will you rake leaves? If you do a good job I will pay you.” The child says, “How much will you pay me?” That’s all I have to say about this. You understand, this will not accomplish the task of leaf raking or the lesson of work ethic.

High School

If you have played your cards right, you’ll know how much to pay your high schoolers. You aren’t going to pay market value for a lawn mowing, but you are going to use that as a guidepost. After all, your children are still eating the food you buy and sleeping in the bed you provided. They are not self-supporting, so it does not make sense to pay them as an employee.

How much goes hand in hand with teaching money management skills. Spending, saving, giving, these are important lessons to start learning early, even with their quarters in their piggy bank. Some call it “saving” but you can just as well call it, “collecting money.” The act of collecting money is a very useful goal. They can spend the money to collect little action figures or matchbox cars – which are fun to collect, but when they collect money, they will eventually learn how valuable it can be to them and they won’t be as likely to let it keep slipping through their fingers on things that are later destined for the trash heap.

Children feel good about themselves by doing a good job and pleasing their parents and other adults who care for them. When children feel good about something they have done, they are likely to do more of the same. It is false to think that money alone is going to be either a motivator or the mechanism by which a child is going to feel good about themselves.

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Feeling Alone In A Room Full Of People

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 13:24:24 GMT

Do you ever feel alone in a room full of people? What if that room was your house, the people were your family and you were a child.

Children will adapt in order to mediate their feelings and experience. Some children will act out (misbehavior). Some children will act in (anxiety and depression). Some children will retreat into their own imagination. Some children will become immersed in their schoolwork and perfectionism. Some children will put food or other comfort measures in the empty place.

How could a child feel this way in their own family?

There are a lot of possible reasons a child may feel this way, but rarely is the cause a “mental health” disorder, however, if not addressed, mental health disorders are almost sure to arise.

What is the “treatment?”

Years ago, I attended a homeschool group with my children at a friend’s house. I kept looking at a Norfolk Island Pine in their living room, and felt like I was watching it die. I made suggestions about how to restore that ugly tree to it’s true beauty. My friends said, “Do you want it?” I brought that tree home, gave it a shower (not kidding), a new pot and fresh soil and set it right in the sun in my living room. I gave it food, water and love (a lot of talking to). A few months later it was THRIVING!!! This child tree had developed so much in a short time. I offered the tree back to it’s original owner, who declined.

What would happen in a scenario like this, where a tree is failing to thrive, removed from it’s environment to a loving and caring one and then returned to it’s original environment?

While there is a time and a place for child therapy, is it fair to put a child in therapy, try to help them with some insight, give them some tools and send them back into the unwell environment from which they came?

We all need to strive for the family environment to be the therapy experience, the healing place.

The family should be the place where children learn social skills, executive functioning skills, emotional intelligence, life skills. The family should be the place where children feel, “I belong here!” “These are my people!” “When I want to share my joy, there they are.” “When I want to share my sorrow, there they are.” “When I have a problem, there they are!” “THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!”

How Do You Say PASSION?

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 13:19:05 GMT

So many couples think they need the tiny black dress, dinner, candles and flowers for a passion filled night.

Passion comes in many different forms!

Passion is born out of the love of your life recognizing you as the woman (man) they chose!

Passion is born out of the other person taking the time for you!

Passion is born out of the other person doing the thing they know you love!

Passion is born out of having fun together!

Stop using the children as an excuse, or your schedule, your work, your fatigue, your irritations and all the other things you can think of. Are all these things true and logically make sense? Probably. If it’s working for you, keep doing it. If you feel yourself drifting farther and farther away from the person you vowed to love and cherish forever, then time to rethink.

I love to play Chinese Checkers and since I know it’s not my husband’s favorite game, it’s a sign to me of deep love and devotion when he takes me on for a game and puts his whole self into it! NO distractions! Makes it fun! Tries his hardest to beat me!

No money? No problem! Enjoying one another with the things you have is free! Not that a dozen roses, little black dress and candlelit dinner doesn’t have it’s place, but what, are you going to restrict your full expression of love for one another to once a month? Or once a year?

Commit to teaching the children to sleep in their own beds so that you can reclaim the marriage bed! You never know (or maybe you do!) what a feisty game of Chinese Checkers will lead to behind the closed door of the bedroom after the children are fast asleep!

Click here for your free download, Guide to Romantic Arousal and Essential Oils!

Colossians 3:14: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

What’s In The Envelope?

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 13:13:41 GMT

Take your marriage to the next level!

Or maybe there are some problems that you just can’t seem to get through.

Something to try…

Take some time to feel calm and centered.
Think about your marriage and when you feel the best.
Think about what you love about your spouse.
Think about your needs in the marriage.
Write down a few sentences that express your heart’s desire in the marriage.
Seal those thoughts up in an envelope that you will hand to your spouse or leave for them to find.
On the outside of the envelope, write something like,

“I love you! This envelope contains some of my deepest desires for our marriage. Please do not open until you have an envelope for me with your deepest desires.”

Whether your marriage is strong or struggling, this can be a wonderful experience of closeness!

It is true that in marriage, we can benefit from letting a lot of things go. However, when the same theme continues to occur, ignoring it will not help. There are two ways to resolve problems; one way is to hash out the negative dynamic and the other way is to express our geniune needs and in good faith, consistently work to improve our ability to speak to those deep needs of your spouse.

As an example,

“I have a deep desire for you to recognize how hard I work and that I do it to be a good provider for you and our children. I feel a sense of my purpose when I know you understand my hard work.”

“I have a deep desire for you to remain calm in stressful situations. When you are calm and we work together to problem solve, it makes me feel like you are holding me safely in the palm of your hand.”

“I have a deep desire for you to ask my opinion about things. When you ask my opinion, I feel like we are doing this together and my opinion matters.”

So often, we assume we know what the other person wants and needs. So often we assume that what we need, they must need also. How will you know if you don’t talk about it?

Colossians 3:14: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Thirty Feelings

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 12:17:22 GMT

Emotional Intelligence is when we can recognize our own emotions and those of others. It is when we can differentiate between things like when someone is feeling angry vs. frustrated. This helps us to be able to relate to others and adapt to different circumstances.

Most children enter Kindergarten able to recognize happy, mad and sad. In a deck of 30 “feelings” cards some children will cycle through the basic three emotion labels, while others have a whole basket of emotions labels to pull from.

“Horrified” may be expressed as “mad” when the child hasn’t learned “horrified.”

“Bored” may be expressed as “sad.” The solution to bored may look very different than the solution to sad.

8 Tips For Beyond Happy Mad Sad

Keep a list of feelings on the fridge. Highlight one word every few days to talk about, recognize in self and other, look for examples in TV/Movie/Etc. characters. Talk about it.
Buy a “Feelings” poster. When your child is having an emotion, ask them to point to the emotion on the poster and use the feelings word that fits best. Some parents will only trigger this activity for a negative emotion. It is really important to point out the positive emotions too.
Get creative with your computer and printer. Find pictures of 20 feeling faces. Print them out in pairs on card stock. Use for a matching game. When the child gets a match, they tell of a time that they had a feeling like that.
When asked about anger, most children will identify this emotion as “bad.” Remind your child that emotions aren’t bad, even the one called anger. The “bad” or “problem” part is the behavior. We can feel angry and act badly or we can feel angry and adapt, problem solve or talk it over with someone. Likewise, emotions like “embarrassed” can be ones that a child will shy away from, because they feel so bad. Teach them that everyone feels embarrassed from time to time and how they might be able to approach it. In some circumstances, the child needs to learn to laugh a little at themselves and know that everyone makes mistakes. In others, children might need to learn about humility and apologies. We can wish as hard as we want that our children don’t have to experience the “hard” emotions, but it is these hard emotions that when felt and addressed, build character in our children.
Make a feelings collage with childrens’ magazines. Cut out faces and talk about what the child may be feeling.
Ask your child(ren) to be like a news reporter or investigator. Note “Happy” on the top of the page and ask your child to interview Dad, Grandma and Grandpa, the next-door neighbor, “Tell me about a time you felt happy.” Have them do this for one week, keeping their memo pad in their pocket. Switch to a different feelings word the next week, or ask one child to do “happy” and their sibling to do “sad.” Let them present at the end of the week.
Do you have a pet? Ask you child to notice for a week, what that pet might be feeling and why.
Model your own good emotional intelligence. Let them know that adults have feelings just like children.

Resources

When A Family Works Together

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 12:09:45 GMT

As a family and couples therapist, I am always interested in how families solve problems and navigate issues. This family activity came from one of my own experiences when I was a teenager. I attended Hurricane Island Outward Bound. The experience lasted 22 days and was filled with challenges and growth opportunities.

We must strive to make the most out of difficult situations. The physical aspects and dietary changes did pose a bit of a challenge for me, but the emotional challenges were huge. More on that another time maybe. One very real and unfortunate experience had to do with the group of the 12 of us, all about the same age, not being very cohesive. Some wanted to work, some did not. Some wanted to get the full experience, some were just going through the motions, doing as little as possible, because they were sent by a parent, without wanting to go.

One day, the instructors let us drift closer and closer to an island. We went on land every day for a brief time, but this was different because it was an island, all treed in, no sign of human life.

22 Foot Whaling Boat! Not a lot of room for not getting along.

The instructors said, “You have 5 minutes to decide as a group 5 items from on the boat that you would like to take with you. We’ll be back in 24 hours.” I know we chose water and peanut butter but I can’t remember what else. Their goal for us was to work together without any adults. We got through it, but without much success. Nonetheless, we did get through it and some of us learned a thing or two, hence, look what I do now in family therapy.

When a family works together, amazing things can happen!

Beautiful little people turn into beautiful big people!
Shy children can become confident children!
Overbearing children learn perspective!
Children strengthen their voice and learn how and when to use it!
Couples dramatically lighten their load of “issues” in the home!
You can accomplish a lot!
Communities benefit from more people who can navigate difficult challenges, solve problems and brainstorm incredible plans!

Next thing you know, your children are putting down their devices and scheming about how to build a fort under the table or in the back yard and deciding what they will need. Win! Win! Who doesn’t want that?!

13 Reasons Teens Have Sex

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 11:58:14 GMT

(In no particular order.)

1. They Like the Way it Feels

The human body has thousands of touch receptors. The fingertips and tongue may have as many as 100 per cm2.

There are a lot of factors that cause sex to feel good. Suffice to say that sex can be a very pleasurable physical and emotional experience and there shouldn’t be an attempt to conceal this fact from our youth.

We might prefer that the “feel good receptors” came alive at the very time when someone makes a marital commitment. But no, they are present, even in childhood. Puberty brings about even stronger sensations.

Sex and all types of loving physical intimacy were created for pleasure and enjoyment. When people in uncommitted relationships engage in this type of relationship, it often feels good. Only later are the consequences felt and still, not everyone recognizes that the things they are struggling with later in life are connected to this.

There are many pleasurable experiences and sensations in life and some are meant to be experienced at different times than others. A teen might be thrilled to begin driving. Their parents might even let them try driving in some remote location. This does not mean they should begin driving at this point in their life.

2. Pressure from Boyfriend or Girlfriend

Even when a girl or boy doesn’t want to have sex, they may give in for fear of the other person leaving them, or rejecting them, or being mad at them.

3. Pressure From Peers

Many teens feel a lot of pressure to “fit in.” There is a very clear message that it matters whether or not they have “had sex.” Not only that, but it matters whether they know what a “- – – – – ” is, or whether they have seen this or that porn site, or sitcom, or whether they are wearing something underneath from Victoria’s Secret, or whether they know how to (you fill in the blank) with the opposite sex or even the same sex.

As we can clearly see from the news stories, bullying and being bullied is real. Cyber bullying, verbal bullying, school bullying, text bullying, physical bullying – and it is extremely difficult for teens to endure. In fact, we may not admit it, but parents can also feel pressure from their peers that, “Everyone is doing it. We have to accept that times have changed and they are going to do it anyway.”

4. Pressure from the Culture.

Sex sells! Sex, porn, fashion, TV/Movie, commercials… Sex is a huge commodity and many industries are capitalizing on it. No matter where you turn, you can hardly avoid seeing more skin than you intended to see, with church, honors classes and chorus recitals being no exception. This crosses all classes and types of people.

When teens are bombarded with images and messages, their sense of “normal” goes haywire. They begin to see everything as relative to the culture that they live in. They might have once dreamed of being a wife and mother, and may still dream of that, but today, normal is the rush of one girl making out with another girl in the hotel pool on a class trip, after popping a few pills or having a few drinks.

Myths like, “everyone is doing it” are myths and people are accepting them as truth every day.

5. Feeling Self-Defeated because of abuse or previous choices.

When teens feel like they have already given up their “first time,” they may feel like there is no point in abstaining now. The truth is that there is a tremendous incentive to make a new commitment to resist and abstain from sex until marriage. It is never too late.

Some young people who have been raped or molested feel this defeat as well.

If this describes your feelings, please seek help and support from a responsible, trusted adult.

6. Not Understanding What Love Is

Love is a feeling and a commitment. The feeling of love ebbs and flows. While boyfriends and girlfriends can “feel” love today, tomorrow they might feel something else. This is true in marriage as well.

A commitment does not depend on the feeling of the day. Sex might make you feel “in love” but it doesn’t make you in a “committed relationship.”

In a committed relationship, sex is a beautiful act of love.

7. Rebellion

Rebellion has at least three root possibilities.

our sin nature, or, if you rather, our inclination to do what we shouldn’t do, just because we can and we want to;
a reaction to a poor relationship within the immediate family (either between the teen and one or both parents, or a poor relationship between the parents);
it can also be from something even relatively simple like a temporary anger at a parent paired with a teen acting impulsively.

8. Curiosity

Teens wonder. They are curious. They may be curious about how alcohol tastes and makes them feel. They may be curious what it would be like to have a pair of Uggs. People are curious and some people act on their curiosity without first considering the consequences.

9. Drugs and Alcohol

Mind altering substances lower one’s inhibition. A teen is more likely to do much more than they intended at a party or on a date situation if they are under the influence of a substance. Even more frightening, others can facilitate the teen to become either drug or alcohol intoxicated in order to sexually assault them much more easily and with much less chance of being reported. The drugged person may not even be conscious enough to know what is happening to them, or who is doing it to them.

10. To Express and Receive Love

Teenagers need connection. Young children often crave physical touch and parents love to give it. As they grow up, it tends to become less and less. Teenagers may be pulling away from parents and clinging to peers. There may be a great deal of love in your home, but sometimes teenagers cannot receive it. There may be a great deal of stress in your home, which crowds out the feeling of love.

11. Pseudo Maturity

Some teens feel set apart from their peers. They view themselves as “more mature” (than their peers) or, an “old soul.” They may be connected with older people who are impressed by their “maturity” and want to support them. They may have an “open and accepting” view of the body and where anything that feels good is good and should be enjoyed as often as one wishes. If girl-girl touching feels good, do it. If boy-girl touching feels good, do it. If watching porn feels good, do it. If touching with different people feels good, do it. Some of the “pseudo matures” are involved in sexual relationships with much older men or women, some even with their parents’ consent because they so deeply want to believe that their child is really that mature. In fact, the largest giant of the sex education industry promotes this when they teach youth how to get these good feelings and not contract a disease or become pregnant by unthinkable advice that I won’t share here. I have had many teen clients who are openly sexually active and whose parent says, “I know she is young, but she is very mature. I’m ok with the sex, I just want to make sure she is ok.”

Here is one example – Hooking Kids on Sex

12. Adults’ Failure to Take a Stand

Despite the current day philosophy that so many have adopted, children and teenagers cannot be left to decide every important thing on their own, without the sound guidance from a trusted adult. Seeds will be sown in the hearts and mind of our youth. If we leave that to the culture, who knows where our children will end up. Teenagers report overwhelmingly so, that they base important decisions on at least considering the morals, values and opinions of their parents.

13. Adults Failure to Uphold the Moral Standard They Expect from their Teen

When parents are unwilling to get out of their seat and turn off the TV, or say “no” to a movie, or say no to an outfit, how can we expect their children to say no to such things? Parents aren’t relieved of their awesome responsibility to oversee the comings and goings of their child until graduation from High School.

Parents, you do have an influence on your children. Own it! Don’t give it over to the sex ed teacher, or the “social surveys” being conducted at school, or the TV or the friends and other families.

10 Ways To Support Youth With Sexual Integrity

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 11:38:59 GMT

Plus Two Free Downloads To Bring You All Closer Together

Sex Education begins AT HOME!

One

Helping children understand about keeping their body clean and healthy is when sex education begins. Lift-the-flap books about digestion, bones, muscles, blood, etc. are a great resource for this education. It can be kind of AWKWARD to start the sex education lessons with talk about genitals and breasts when we’ve never really even talked about bones and stomaches. Here is one of my favorites! See Inside Your Body

Two

Teaching children that their body belongs to them and how and when to share their body (hugging mom, dad and siblings at bedtime – yes, vs. showing and sharing private parts – no). These books are so simple but so spot on! Loving Touches and It’s MY Body . There are lots of others, but keep in mind that the ones that show lots of genitals, even as drawings or cartoons are simply NOT necessary. The children know what’s in their “bathing suit” zone. They don’t need to see a variety of shapes, sizes, ages, etc… For some children this can be too overwhelming, and for other children it can be overstimulating. I wrote about this years ago for the Cape Cod Moms – Mommy Blog. Click here for a variety of resources outlined in my article, Disarming the Pedophile.

Three

Teaching children to speak out confidently when someone is crossing the line or making them feel uncomfortable, from tickling to brushing by their private areas (even with clothes on), to seeing things on TV or movies that makes them feel uncomfortable, to touching their bare private areas. The children who speak freely are going to be much safer than the children who go silent when they are uncomfortable.

Four

The way that mom and dad are with each other is a very important daily lesson. Do you touch each other kindly and lovingly? Lot’s of parents are incredible affection-givers to their children but when it comes to each other, not so much. This is about enjoying each other; holding hands, hello and goodbye kisses, dancing after dinner during a “5 minute family dance party,” and things like that. We need to teach them what is normal and healthy and I’m not referring to slapping her on the backside while she’s cooking dinner.

Five

Family dinner – talk about things. How will you know what your children are learning in school if you don’t have family dinner, car ride discussions, lawn chair sessions in the nice weather…. Don’t be so busy and scheduled that there isn’t time for regular family socials.

Six

Have an opinion! Blank slate? Let them decide what they believe? This is not very effective if you want them to be safe and healthy. By saying nothing, you are essentially leaving it to schools, friends, social media and TV/Movies to educate your children about this very important topic. Their decisions will impact the rest of their life, for better or worse.

Seven

Take your opinion a step farther and set up boundaries based on your opinion. Boundaries, expectations, accountability, this is how children feel safe. Don’t worry, there is still plenty of room here for learning their own lessons. You can’t and won’t follow them around everywhere. A friend once told me, “I know my kids are going to make bad decisions. I just pray that they will get caught quickly.”

Eight

Schools, at least my child’s school, sent home the 8th grade Health Curriculum Outline. LOOK at the curriculum! You can opt your child out of the class if you want to, but we chose to simply stay abreast of the topics and bring those topics and conversations into our family time so that they could be discussed. The video titles were included in the parent info sheet. We found some of them on Youtube. Review them if you can. In our experience, some of them can be “edgy.” Decide as parents how you feel about them and if and how you will address it.

Nine

Everyone is NOT “doing it.” Resist the temptation to be like a piece of driftwood floating in and out with the tide. Even if it were true that “everyone is doing it,” which it’s not, that doesn’t make it right. Back to #7 – have an opinion and a standard!

Ten

PAY ATTENTION! You are in the best position to know your child’s heart and mind. You know their vulnerabilities. You know what your vulnerabilities were at that age. You are wise beyond what you give yourself credit for! Research if you need to. Look up articles like this one. Talk to your friends. Know their friends. Be on the same page with your spouse.

Also….

IF, if you have organized your family/parenting in a way where Mom has her finger on the pulse of the children and Dad has relinquished all of his voice to leave the parenting to mom about everything child-related (doctors, schools, vaccinations, extracurriculars, etc.), NOW is as good a time as any, and a very important time to step up an step in. Our sons and daughters need their dad! If he isn’t around, look to other significant, healthy men in your family or life like an uncle or grandfather. Beware of coaches, teachers, pastors, etc. who may be interested in taking on a close, mentoring role with your child. So many of them are incredibly amazing people, but a small percent are predators, as in any walk of life.

Children who do not have an active father in their life are at higher risk of victimization and the most successful sexual predators are those who are in a role of leadership or power and have worked hard to gain your “trust.”

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If you are concerned that your child has been sexually misused/abused, OR if your child is demonstrating risky sexual behaviors, please seek help. The impact of sexual harm, either “self” and/or inflicted by another, can be so damaging. .

When You Feel Deep Despair

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 11:07:52 GMT

This here post is pretty serious. You have friends, classmates, coworkers, acquaintances, or maybe you yourself are in a very desperate place and feeling all alone. Alone can be a pretty dark place and this post is meant to let people who are in this place know that others have been there too and there is always somewhere to turn. I want you to have resources, and HOPE!

There are many joys but also many hardships in life; maybe it’s an unexpected medical diagnosis, a child or close friend who has taken a fatal overdose. It could be a severe or even fatal car accident or a dreadful shooting spree. Very dark storms can also come in the form of a fight with a spouse, an injust accusation, the death of a parent or a natural disaster.

None of us are immune to one of these dark storm experiences.

Where do you turn? Where does your help come from?

Suffering in Silence

How will help come if no one knows you are suffering? For some, it is a big deal to admit that you are hurting. Just think how hard it might be for a big, strong, important police officer to admit they are suffering, or a pastor who ministers to others in pain. It can be equally hard for any person to humble themselves in this way and share that they are in pain. Maybe you have been hurt by betrayal of your confidence or belittled in the past when you shared your pain. Maybe you feel foolish or like no one will take you seriously.

Consider your support system; family members, friends, pastors, counselors. Consider who among them cares about you, will keep your confidence, will not judge you and will not then bombard you with questions or following up with you if that is not what you want?

I once faced a very dark place, and as a psychotherapist, and a person who inadvertently tends to convey that my life has been and is perfect (even though that is not what I’ve ever tried to convey, because it’s not the truth), it was a very huge barrier to asking for support. I was low and dark enough to have to reach out for support. I chose one person and told them very generally what I was struggling with (literally no details) and asked them to pray for me. This was a remarkable experience for me, because it confirmed that it was the right thing to do, when I was in such doubt about opening myself up like that. The person, knowing me quite well, immediately said two things; 1. I will pray, and 2. I know how hard this must have been for you to ask. This person then left me alone. They didn’t pry or ask for details. They didn’t start calling me daily. I asked for prayer and they prayed.

This may not be your story. You may need and want the person to check back in with you. You may feel you need to give some details or ask for advice. It’s asking for what you need that is important. It’s the person asking you, “What can I do to support you?”

Feelings Change

The feeling you are having in this moment may feel different 15 minutes from now, or 2 hours from now. When a crying episode is over, you may not feel all light and fluffy, but you may have a sense of relief, even if it is temporary. You may cry again soon after, and then you may feel differently again. The point is, the dark feelings that are rushing through you now, may not be rushing through you later.

Your Words Matter

The dark words and words that signify your devastation are not necessary accurate or helpful. “I am stupid.” “No one cares about me.” “There is no way I can ever get through this.” “Everything bad happens to me.” “I want to kill myself.” These are very strong and definitive words. While we have to take statements about self-harm very seriously, and take action on them when someone uses them, more often than not, they can’t think of strong enough words to convey the level of pain they are feeling, and these are very strong words.

Try slowing down your thoughts. Breath can help with this. Notice that you have just made a strong statement. Take a breath. Look up. Ask yourself, “If I’m being really honest with myself, is this statement really true?” Substitute that statement with something that is TRUE, like, “I’m hurting so badly right now.” Say it over and over again, in place of those other statements. Let yourself breathe a little deeper and say kind things to yourself.

A Scheming Mind

Beware of anger! Despair paired with anger can get the mind moving in a dangerous direction. We may feel flooded with thoughts like, “Punch the wall!” “Get drunk!” “Cut myself.” “Bang my head.” Unfortunately, with poor coping skills and ego strengths, not enough or the right kind of support, we can act these thoughts out and make them a reality. Some people then learn that after they commit one of these aggressive acts they feel a temporary sense of relief. Some report that the emotional pain was too great and they had to turn it into physical pain. Some people imagine that if they do one of these things that it will bring help. Some people think that if they do one of these things they will teach the other person a lesson and make them sorry. These things rarely come true and the person who has commit the aggressive act then just feels bad about doing it.

If you are having an urge to act out in a physically aggressive manner, take a breath. If your fist is already clenched or you have taken Jack out of the liquor cabinet, or picked up a sharp object, stop and breathe. Validate, “I am in so much pain.” Breathe, cry, breathe. Did I mention, BREATHE! Consider your options. Taking a shower or bath may take you to a new emotional experience. You may still be crying, but we are looking for a reduction in your physical tension so that you can release the urge to do something aggressive. Get outside, even if it’s cold. Get some fresh air to fill your lungs.

How Feelings Get Even More Complicated

Notice that there might be things in the past that are making your feelings so much stronger in this moment. Maybe you had hard experiences as a child. Maybe a parent drank too much and was emotionally too unavailable to notice or help you feel better.

Maybe a parent abandoned you and you always wished or begged that they would just come back and help you and love you. If these are things you have suffered, and they keep reappearing in your present day pain, now is the time to seek support through counseling, or at least through sharing the experience with a loved one who is either a support to you or who triggers these feelings in you but is a place to hear from you about it.

Maybe you have had two traumas that are similar and this one is unearthing the previous one. Even doing a little bit of work with a professional on this can help improve your coping skills and mindset, so that when a painful experience comes, you are better equipped to manage it.

Things You May Not Have Learned In Childhood

If you had a parent or other role models who fueled your worries or were not able to help you settle your worries down, then you may not have learned effective coping skills or developed good ego strengths. It’s not too late to start learning and practicing through self-help books, a mentor or a professional counselor.

Purposeful Pain

I know, this is a really tough one to swallow. Personally, I wish I would never have to experience deep pain, ever again. [BIG HUG] That just might not be the case. There can be many lessons in our pain; how to cope with hard things so we can help others, how to prevent what might be preventable next time, truths learned about who has your back, the experience of having weathered a bad storm and still be standing, lessons about where you pulled your strength from, how your faith comforts and guides you, and so much more.

Faith

All that said, maybe you still feel like you have no one available in your exact dark moment of despair. It could be late at night, or you haven’t allowed yourself to reach out to someone, your key people couldn’t be reached, or for any other reason you are still feeling alone. There are numbers you can call and I will note them down a little farther, but you can cry out to God. He is always there for you to cry out to and talk to. There are many verses that share the promise that God is always with you and wants good for you. Click here for one link. Google term like, “Verses about God’s love.” “Verses about comfort.” …etc.

Things To Remember

The more you practice something, the better you get at it. In an experience where you wanted to flee, or hit something, and you do not do that, you learn something about yourself and you can take that lesson into your next experience.

You are strong!

You are loved!

You are human and you have deep and strong feelings!

Whether you know it and believe it or not, you were created by a God who made you on purpose and who has a purpose for your life. He wants good for you and He is with you always, even if you don’t see Him, hear Him or feel Him.

Resources

If you are suffering, seek support. You are worth it! No matter what you are feeling right now, know that your life is precious and you deserve to have loving arms wrapped around you. Be bold. Be persistent. Don’t stop until you connect with people with love, care and concern for you.

Check these resources;

Samaritans Hotline – You can call and you can chat at this link 24 hours/day.

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Mentalhealth.gov

Bickering And Such In Marriage

xjam.tiong0322@gmail.com (Jam Tiong) — Sun, 30 Mar 2025 10:38:39 GMT

I don’t mean to demean adults, but bickering is really a thing with couples and it’s a thing that we really need to rethink. It’s not totally unlike a social media bickering session, where uncivilized, un-adult behavior is being slung all over the place. Typically, someone leaves feeling like the winner and the other person leaves either feeling bad about themselves, bad about the marriage, or angry about how it turned out. It’s a lose-lose.

There are the marriage vows (or promises) and then there are the rules (or promises) we can make about how we treat each other on a day-to-day basis. No one wants to go to the picnic when it’s raining. No one wants to go to the weekly staff meeting if the boss has poor interpersonal skills and everyone suffers because of it. If your interactions are unpleasant, you are both likely to start avoiding them.

We have to practice the rules they tried to teach us in Kindergarten. Check out this book if you don’t already have it! All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten.

Do any of these behaviors creep into your marriage interactions?

Sighing
Eye rolling
Aggressive hand gestures
Acting like you aren’t paying attention or aren’t interested – drumming fingers on the table, looking in another direction, fidgeting with something, looking at your phone
Speaking over the other person
Using insulting or demeaning phrases, like, “Are you kidding me right now!?”
Laughing when the other person is being serious
Sarcasm
Swearing
Fist shaking, pounding, throwing things

In my clinical experience, the most common fuel for bickering is lack of romance and intimacy. In fact, I’ll just say it. Lack of sex can provide a lot of fuel for bickering. Why? Because when we have a rich and healthy sex life, we don’t tend to treat each other like a the sibling that we bickered with as a child!

To look at what’s going on with our sex life, click Here .

Other Things That Fuel Bickering

Drug or alcohol use (even if you aren’t an alcoholic or drug addict)
Being overtired
Hormones – Women aren’t the only ones with hormones. We have our cycles and our “use caution” days, but he has them too.
Overscheduled
Accumulation of “issues” between the two of you that aren’t getting worked through
Stressors like money, relatives, vacations, parenting challenges, etc.

What to do?

As a couples therapist, I can give tools, like this one which gives a reasonable structure for working through topics that come up. But you can’t go into an exchanges thinking that you will just follow the steps and it will all work out. You have to have your own set of personal best standards.

You know you! You know your weaknesses, for the most part. Some people know their weaknesses and have the attitude, “Too bad! He’s pushing my buttons….She should know better….” Some people actually don’t see their part in it. Some people grew up with parents who screamed at each other and came out of that experience with, “Never will I do that!” Some came out of it with the view that it is one way to get to the bottom of things. No therapist can tell you what to believe about the correct way to interact with other people. No therapist can tell you definitively how to respond when someone is acting badly toward you. You have to search yourself and your beliefs.

Even still, you know you. If you don’t like it when someone talks over you, don’t talk over people. If you don’t like it when someone storms away from you, don’t storm away from people. You know, The Golden Rule. It makes a lot of sense.

You CANNOT control other peoples’ behavior. You can only control yours. Be someone you can feel good about at the end of the day. Stop doing the things that you know you shouldn’t do, regardless of what they are doing.heck back in for the next post on this topic, which will be packed with solutions!

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

Ego Strengths

Make a list of promises to yourself. It makes little difference if you share it with your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. It’s about you managing you. These are “Ego Strengths” and/or “coping skills.” When you have strong ego strengths and coping skills, you can manage yourself well almost all of the time. For example, when you get angry, do you want to punch something? This would be a sign of poor ego strength. When you get very upset do you storm out of the room, grab your keys and burn rubber out of the driveway? OR do you take a breath and consider your needs and your next move.

Some “Promises” List Examples

To seek God before all else. To pray for you, for me and for us.
To never raise my voice or interrupt you during a difficult conversation between us.
To remember that you love me and I love you and that we want the best for each other.
To listen well and seek to understand what you are saying instead of thinking of myself and my defense when you are communicating something to me.
To try my best to express myself, instead of letting thoughts and feelings fester within me.
To never expect that you can read my mind and to never assume that I can read your mind.
To respond truthfully if you ask me if something is wrong, even if I don’t feel ready to talk about it.
To never storm away or leave the house (or wherever we are) angrily and without letting you know where I am going and when I will be back.
To denounce any thoughts about ways to “get back at you” or hurt you.
To apologize for wrongdoings that I become aware of.
To take responsibility and acknowledge when I have hurt you.
To never walk away or make gestures (including eye or facial expressions).
To never do anything intentionally that I know will hurt, frustrate or anger you.
To commit to working on my own shortcomings instead of focusing on yours.
To give you a loving and sincere hug before going to sleep for the night, even if we haven’t resolved our issue.
To remember your many gifts and thank God for giving me the gift of you, even if we are in a storm.

Will Men Ever Get It Right?

Sun, 30 Mar 2025 10:25:51 GMT

Anger and Intimacy

According to one group quoted in the article, “What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With” by Darcy Lockman it will be 75 years before men catch up to women in doing their fair share. SEVENTY-FIVE YEARS!!!!

While women are getting this message;

I didn’t mean to interrupt your scrolling,
I just wanted to say you are beautiful!
(strong…loved….amazing…fill-in-the-blank).
{AND IT’S ALL TRUE!}

Men are getting messages like this (these specifics taken from the link noted above);

…you are sexist, ignorant, self-serving, part of “a largely successful male resistance,” unfair, getting away with all of your bad behavior, in denial, entitled, privileged, someone who won’t “step up,” using a lame excuse of not stepping up because their wife takes over and pushes them out, when in reality, the wife is taking over because the husband is so incompetent, can’t be trusted, irresponsible…

{AND NO, IT’S NOT ALL TRUE!}

Men, I mean to interrupt you.
If no one has told you today,
grow up, stop being a loser,
we are fed up and not going to
stand for it any more!

{Seriously, how often do you hear anything positive and affirming of men and masculinity?}

Backtracking briefly, if you are a woman and your husband is truly acting in these ways, I’m sorry. You are in a very difficult situation and I know that this is the reality in some marriages. Some men are toxic. Some women are toxic. I have tried to make progress in therapy with them and some just can’t see and they can’t learn, even if they don’t reach the level of “toxic.” I encourage you to seek a qualified couples therapist who is committed to helping you both have the best marriage possible. This therapist, of course, also needs to have an expertise in identifying signs that the relationship is not just troubled or unbalanced, but abusive and can help you navigate to emotional and sometimes physical safety. Beware though, of therapists whose world view is that of the author noted above, those who will “hold your hand” all the way to divorce court.

Men, if you are this man, wake up! Step up! Grow up! Imagine how much awesomeness you would contribute to your wife, your children, the community, fellow men, if you change. Seek support and JUST DO IT !

Another Side To Consider

Of the couples I work with, the man initiates the counseling in approximately 55% of the cases (not counting the times when the wife gave him an ultimatum to call or split up).
A majority of these men are engaged fathers who drive their children places, coach their teams, help with homework, read stories, cook meals, clean and work full-time jobs.
The wife manages the finances in a majority of these cases and has full access to whatever amount of money she wants or needs for things that she, on her own, decides are important, without so much as a mention of it to her husband.
Many men have spontaneously shared this one interesting fact, “I have tried keeping track of her cycle so that I might have a better chance of being additionally understanding and avoiding a conflict, but even that doesn’t work.”
Some men have expressed a desire to make love more than once or twice a month (some couples two or three times a year) and when they are turned down and made to feel like they are some sex crazed “man,” have then asked if they can at least hug before work and bed or just snuggle sometimes, without any sex, or do some other things that husband and wife do, like go to dinner without the children, they get turned down there too. The women don’t dispute this and cite the reasons as all having to do with the man, or others who simply say, “It doesn’t do anything for me. I don’t want to.”
Many men confess that they would rather the children not sleep in the marital bed, except for occasionally or when the child is not feeling well. They say that they have expressed this and quickly realized, per their wife, that all of the “good” parents know that “family bed” is best, so the man steps right down on the issue.

I’m a couples therapist. I see a lot of couples!

I could cite many other examples. Suffice to say that when I ask the couple, “Who controls the money? Sex? Parenting decisions? Family Vacations?” couples tend to look at each other, sometimes laugh, and both say she does.

This is far from a picture of female oppression or antiquated family structure. It is far from a picture of “a largely successful male resistance” as stated in the article cited above.

Unfortunately, what Darcy Lockman presents in her article is an “us against them” scenario. She tries to help her point by citing other authors who share her low view of men. Does she think that her name-calling of men will help? She fails to provide any support or suggestions for a married couple.

While I am not saying that there isn’t a problem with men not stepping up, I am saying that this is not collectively how men are, any more than I am not saying that all women are bossy, controlling and withholding.

I am definitely not agreeing that men and women need to be genderless and equal in all regards. God made us male and female and bestowed us with our own special abilities and gifts.

Check back in for the next post on this topic, which will be packed with solutions!

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

Part II here

The Hand Heart Mouth Connection

Sat, 29 Mar 2025 19:13:17 GMT

Anger and Intimacy

Not that there aren’t angry women among us, but men, I’m speaking to you. You want your wife to want you sexually? Have you considered what she needs for this? Surely there are a lot of factors involved in sexual arousal and a satisfying experience. Click here for a lot more information on the topic. On a very basic level, all other things being equal, there are two ways to a thunderous sexual experience, intoxication from drugs or alcohol OR total and complete trust shared between she and you.

For men who struggle with anger, you will benefit from knowing a few things about women.

Feeling Safe

Except for women who like to lock horns with their husband, a majority of women do not feel comfortable around angry men and sometimes we can go so far as to say they do not feel safe around angry men. They may feel physically threatened, but more often, they feel a threat to the integrity of the self, the core of who they are as a woman.

Opening Up

When a woman feels unsafe, she will often close up and shut down, emotionally and physically. Where men may need an image or a thought to have an arousal response, women need a feeling of comfort and safety to open themselves up to the arousal response within them.

Kindness Connection

You’ve probably heard, sex for the woman begins in the kitchen when her husband talks to her lovingly, or in the afternoon when he sends her a loving message. If it starts then, what happens if you are angry in the morning exchange?

Venom

If venom is coming forth from your mouth, you need to realize that your mouth is connected to your hands. Your hands are an extension of your thoughts, feelings and heart. If she is trying to protect herself from your angry words or angry silence, she may not feel comfortable to let your hands touch her in that deeply intimate way. Even if she is letting you touch her that way, her body may be closed to the experience, in a self-protective way, resulting in a poor quality sexual experience. While you might be thinking, “I was just angry. That was then. I’m not angry now so what’s the problem?” Remember, the sexual experience for the woman is rooted in the affection you show to her throughout the day, or week. While men may be able to dissipate anger between the two of you with sex, a woman is more likely to need the anger to be resolved before she can feel comfortable to open herself up to you sexually.

The Tongue

“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs 12:18

“When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

James 3:1-8

What To Do?

You struggle with irritability or anger? Seek to figure this out. I’m guessing it doesn’t just impact your wife. Your children may be impacted and your family dynamics may be impacted. It is very common for mothers to feel protective of their children if you are angry often, or angry to a significant level occasionally. This will usually create unhealthy bonds between mother and child and alienate you even further than your anger already has.

The answer is not for you to be “castrated.” You are man and the world needs you to be man. You need that strength and energy to bring safety and protection to your family. It is altogether unnecessary and inappropriate for us to try to transform your emotions and emotional reactions to match our femininity.

You may need to adjust your emotional reactions however. Seek other males who may be older and have a proven track record of effective communication and problem solving.

Consult with your medical doctor. Anger and irritability can sometimes have medical causes. If even YOU recognize your anger as over-the-top, talk with your Primary Care Doctor.

Consult with a psychotherapist. Some of us are good at spotting issues and helping you figure them out. Some of us are good at helping you work through “old” issues and develop more productive strategies to manage your emotions.

Consider your family history. Maybe you had good reason to develop anger and irritability. Maybe these responses served you well in an earlier time of your life, but now, not so much.

Talk to your wife. Ask her how your anger impacts her. Work together on it if you both feel that would be helpful.

Learn to lead without irrational anger or anger that is incongruent with the situation.

D is for Determination not Divorce

Sat, 29 Mar 2025 19:02:00 GMT

Unless you have blocked time in your schedule to drive to Probate and Family Court and file for divorce, when you enter my office for marriage counseling, roll up your sleeves and be ALL IN!

Some couples enter therapy as a “last ditch effort.” The mindset is, “This is my last try. If this doesn’t work, then it’s over.” How useful is this? We are willing to fail at dozens of diets and yet still try another one. Are you the kind of person who works really hard but if you don’t land a job after the 5th interview, do you just say, “Ah, whatever, I guess I’ll just be homeless.” Are you the type of person who gets sick and after 3 days on antibiotics says, “Forget it. I’ll just let myself die from this.”

Just as not all cancers can be cured, not all marriages can be restored. There are a lot of factors where a failed marriage is concerned. A LOT! With so many factors, there are SO many opportunities to change, even something so very small that you might think there is no way such a small change could make a difference.

The number one factor, for a positive prognosis in marriage counseling is two individuals who can each keep their mouth closed and ears open when the other person is talking. When I see this in my office, I know there is hope.

Lay down your sword and just be. We spend a great deal of time, effort and self-talk attempting to understand our problems as a couple through our own experience and then seek to validate our thoughts, feelings and actions based on our own voice.

When we have conflicts, we tend to use words like “never” and “always.”

You NEVER put me first. You NEVER say nice things to me. You NEVER put the children to bed. I can NEVER trust you.

You ALWAYS blame me. You are ALWAYS angry. I ALWAYS work harder than you.

Be careful about these definitive words. Using these black and white words usually makes you wrong.

When you enter my therapy office, we leave any words like “divorce” at the door. You can be as mad or dissatisfied with each other as you are. That’s completely understandable. But you owe it to yourself, your marriage and if you have children, your children, to work like you mean it. Work like you ARE resolving difficulties.

What Will Be Asked of You

You will be asked to commit to SIX sessions, preferably once/week for six consecutive weeks.
You will be asked to set reasonable goals, together, with my guidance.
You will be asked to bring a notebook.
You will be asked to complete homework assignments between sessions.
You will be asked at each session if you feel you made your best effort on the homework for the week.
You will be asked at the end of six weeks to evaluate the progress you feel you have made and to recommit or redefine goals. This might mean we drop sessions back to every other week, or for very invested couples using the tools on their own, every three or four weeks.

What Marriage Counseling is NOT

Marriage counseling is not a courtroom.
The therapist is not the judge or jury.
The therapist is not a referee.
The therapist is not the authority on how you should distribute household responsibilities, frequency of lovemaking, how you budget your money or discipline your children.

What the Marriage Counselor IS

Someone who can provide a safe space for you to work together, especially on difficult issues.
Someone who can facilitate effective communication.
Someone who can assist with recognition of emotions, expression of needs and help you each identify your passions and desires.

It is my honor and privilege to counsel men and women in the deepest relational bond of marriage. Marriage is an art and a commitment, and so worth it! Just because you don’t feel all the feelz all the time, doesn’t mean your marriage is failing. That’s one of the gifts of marriage, that we can be upset with each other, have issues and challenges and struggles but have the mature love that reassures that we are one, even in the hard times.

Don’t find yourself standing in front of a judge having to answer the question, “Do you believe your marriage is irreparable?” without feeling sure about what you will answer.

What Do Strong Athletes And Strong Families Have In Common?

Sat, 29 Mar 2025 18:54:08 GMT

Perseverance

Strong athletes know that success happens over time, not overnight. They know that you don’t go from a cartwheel to a back flip, or curling 20 pounds to 220 pounds in a week. They know that mistakes are part of the process of learning to be their best. They keep working even when it’s hard.

Strong families know that the children won’t go from wiping down the table to cleaning the whole kitchen overnight. They know that the lawnmower lines won’t be straight on the first few mowings. They know that mistakes are part of the process and parents keep working even when it’s hard.

Consistency

Strong athletes know that to be good, really good, they need to practice multiple times a week and prioritize these practices over other, non-essential activities. They have a plan and they work consistently to carry out that plan.

Strong families know that to be good, really good, they need to implement their plan multiple times a week, or even daily, even when it is quicker for parents to do everything themselves.

Self-Reflection

Strong Athletes know that it is important to be good observers of their performance and accept feedback from others who have gone before them. They know that if there is a weakness, they will need to face it and focus on it, rather than turn away from it.

Strong families know that it is important for parents to take the time to notice and ask what other successful families are doing and to connect with each other to reflect on what is going well and what needs more work. Parents learn, through self-reflecting on the process, where the hearts of their children are and where they need work.

Prioritizing

Strong athletes know that they need to prioritize their core training every day. They know that without a strong foundation on the basics, the tricks will not come along as well, more injuries may result and they will not reach their goals as efficiently.

Strong families know that they need to prioritize the basics of good communication, sharing meals together and connecting without distractions in order to develop a strong foundation. They know that without developing this spirit of community, they will find it very difficult to accomplish anything more in the family.

Confidence

Strong athletes know that they need to have a fighting spirit and act as-if they are already champions. They look in the mirror, like what they see and can see themselves meeting the next challenge. They are not deterred by hard work. They know they can do it.

Strong families know that they need to have a confidant, can-do attitude. Parents know that even if they could have handled a challenge differently or more effectively, they are secure in their rights and responsibilities to lead the family.

Goal Oriented

Strong athletes work toward a goal, whether it is a faster time, heavier weight or next level. They know they won’t progress effectively if they have random targets.

Strong families set goals that are reasonable for a child’s age an abilities. Parents don’t bit off more than they can chew, only to fail and feel defeated. They take pride in small, steady progress toward set goals.

Rest and Relaxation

Strong athletes know that they benefit from a rest day, both to rest their body and to rest their mind. They know that they can get back to their goal with renewed strength at the end of the rest period.

Strong families know that pushing on the children and the family goals every day or too many days in a week may burden the system. Parents take time to escape with the children for fun things, laughter and joy. They have a rest day and they break with routine on occasion and run out for fast food.

Humility

Strong athlete maintain an attitude of sportsmanship at the same time as working for their own personal best. They are able to cheer others successes and encourage someone who has taken a hit. They understand that they can learn from their oldest competitor and their youngest competitor.

Strong families know that they are not competing agains each other. Mom is not competing against dad and both recognize that they each have valuable gifts to bring to the family. This teaches the children they they are not competing against each other and that they can encourage each other.

Flu, Coronavirus and Your Counseling Session – UPDATED 1/1/22

Sat, 29 Mar 2025 18:36:49 GMT

Notice Regarding COVID

Tracy Lamperti believes that the decision to vaccinate belongs between you and your healthcare provider, and ultimately, that decision falls to you. As such, you are not required to be vaccinated to receive in-office appointments.

Tracy’s office is large and open. 6′ distanced seating is provided. Front and back door is opened for airing between every client. Surfaces and knobs are disinfected between clients and if shared pens are used, they are disinfected as well. Insurance cards handed to Tracy are handed back disinfected.

Tracy will wear a mask for the comfort of others. Whether you wear a mask is entirely your choice. So long as you are abiding by the basic standards of wellness and full disclosure of symptoms and close contact, Tracy is not concerned whatsoever about you wearing a mask. Wear one if you wish. Do not wear one if you do not wish to.

For In-office sessions, please inform Tracy of any of the following;

Fever, cough, sore throat, taste and/or smell loss, fatigue, headache or any other symptoms of feeling unwell.
Exposure/close contact with someone who has had symptoms of illness or a positive COVID test.

While flu season is nothing new, nor is coronavirus, however, we are still learning. For those who are concerned and/or are at a higher risk for infection and complications, I would like to assure you that you will be able to receive your counseling services without risk, through my HIPPA compliant telehealth service.

It is my preference to meet with you in person for a traditional therapy session. However, I respect that many people have concerns about the flu and coronavirus and I will accommodate you with remote appointments whenever possible.

Telehealth by Simple Practice is a HIPPA compliant platform provided within my Simple Practice HIPPA compliant client management system. It is similar to Skype or FaceTime and just as easy to use. This video explains how it works.

My protocol is as follows;

If you are feeling unwell for any reason, as always, contact me to cancel or reschedule your appointment.
If you are unsure about your health or symptoms, please consider a telehealth appointment.
If you are uncomfortable venturing out for non-essential errands and appointments, please consider a telehealth appointment.
As always, please check with the number on your insurance card to validate all of your benefits and coverage.

Telehealth Policy

Telehealth is a professional service provided in a professional context. While you may think you can hop on to a video call from a parked car or your living room, that is not how it works.

I, as the clinician, work the call from my private, confidential office. I won’t be in my car or in my pajamas and my family won’t be running around in the background.

You, as the client, enter the session also from a private space in your home or office. You must have complete privacy and confirm that no one is in the room with you (unless it is couples or family therapy). I don’t expect your dog to be jumping all over you or barking at squirrels, your children to be begging for your attention or you to be smoking, snacking or right out of the shower. Of course, I understand that things happen, but please strive for this as described.

You will complete all of the documents and consent forms that you would be required to complete if we were meeting in my office. If you are already a client of mine, these forms are already completed. I take notes and keep records, just as I do with clients in my office.

Sessions begin and end on time, as scheduled. If your internet signal is not strong enough, we will troubleshoot as needed. The same cancelation policy applies.

Questions

Defense Mechanisms

Sat, 29 Mar 2025 18:12:22 GMT

Has someone ever said something to you like, “Girlfriend, you are in denial!” or, “It’s not me who is the selfish one, you are! You’re projecting on me!” Having a better understanding of defense mechanisms can only help.

This information will come a little bit at a time. There are a lot of defense mechanisms. I won’t cover them all, but some of the most common ones will be here. If you follow me on FB or IG you will know when I have added to the list.

Here’s the Format

What is it?
How it keeps you stuck.
It may have been the best option.
Can it be fixed?
Misunderstandings of this defense mechanism.
How dangerous is it?
Does parenting have any role in its formation?

Denial

What is it?

When someone is presented with a situation that is painful in some way, and instead of facing it and doing something about it, they insist that it is not true, even though there may be a lot of evidence that it is, that is denial.

There are three levels of denial; 1. it doesn’t exist at all, 2. it exists but not nearly at the level of seriousness that it does, and 3. it exists but it’s not the persons fault and there is nothing they can do about it.

How it keeps you stuck.

Denial has an aspect of immaturity, in that the person who can’t or won’t face the reality of the situation, cannot or does not do something about it, learn from it and become stronger because of it. The exception is with children. When children are in highly difficult situations that they cannot control or change, because they are children, denial is often their best coping skill, best defense.

It may have been the best option.

Sometimes in therapy, when an adult is quite obviously in denial, for example, of an abusive relationship, or toxic environment, it can be helpful to validate that when they were a child, denial served them well, because they couldn’t do anything to change their situation. We can honor that strength within the person. However, as an adult, the denial is harmful. We need to help them understand that they are not powerless and by denying the reality, they are continuing to live in pain, and their denial may lead to inaction that is putting their children at risk as well.

Can it be fixed?

Denial is fairly easy to detect, because, as stated above, there is evidence to the contrary of what they are denying. If you have been pulled over for drunk driving, fight with your loved ones regularly about your drinking, liver functions are showing poor results through testing and you still don’t admit you have a problem, that’s pretty clearly denial.

One of the best ways to help someone move through their denial is to be very plainly clear about the facts. Sometimes the person in denial will start confusing the facts with extraneous detail or emotion and you may in fact lose track of what you knew to be true. In this case, the most effective plan is to join with someone else who loves the person and sees their denial. The two of you can be the grounding and support, and with unwavering commitment to the truth, along WITH unwavering love, a plan and accountability, you can help the person out of their denial.

Seek professional support if you have questions about how to intervene with someone you love who is in denial. You want to respect their privacy and their right to remain in denial, but you also don’t want them to suffer harm or harm others.

Misunderstandings of this defense mechanism.

One systematic problem with the concept of denial is when a professional or loved one is tied to a particular view or theory, and that view or theory is not accurate. For example, couple comes in for therapy because they are arguing frequently over how to parent their difficult child. Wife has read up on ADHD and presented her concerns to teacher, doctor, counselor, etc. who have all agreed, based on what she has told them, that the child has the condition. Husband has a different perspective on why the child is acting out, and a different method of correcting the problem. Wife looks square in the eyes of the counselor and emphatically says, “He’s in denial that our child has ADHD.” One has to determine if someone is in denial or if they simply believe or think differently than the other person or professional.

How dangerous is it?

Denial can end a life. Denial is seen most often in addiction, whether it is food, alcohol, drugs, shopping or any other addiction. Sadly, I have seen too many people die from their addiction. The stakes are very high with serious addictions and while someone is drinking a box of wine daily, stating it is not a problem, their body is fighting to manage that level of toxicity. The addict that says, “It’s not a problem, just one more high.” can lose their life to that one more high.

Does parenting have any role in its formation?

Overly harsh parenting, or parents who are often angry create a conflict within the child. They are frightened to tell the truth at the same time as they are torn up inside about lying. This is a perfect formula for a child to begin using denial as a defense against this difficult turmoil within. Children can also begin to implement denial when one parent joins with them in keeping a secret from the other parent. Together, the united parent and child form a bond over, “It’s not that bad. In fact, what’s the big deal? I don’t see a problem with this. If we tell (the other parent) they are going to be irrational (even if they won’t), so let’s just keep this between us.” Both of these scenarios are very destructive to the child’s development.

Displacement

What is it?

Mother Goose helps us remember this one with “Hi-ho, the derry-o.” Dad has a terrible boss, but dad can’t lose his job, so he does a good amount of stuffing his emotions all day at work. Dad comes home from work, and,

Dad yells at Mom

Hi-ho the derry-o

Dad yells at Mom.

For many reasons, Mom doesn’t fight back with Dad.

Mom yells at child

Hi-ho the derry-o….

You get the picture.

Child can’t yell at Mom, so child pulls the cat’s tail.

There you have displacement. Usually done unconsciously, at least at first, the person redirects emotion from a “dangerous” person or situation to a “safe” one.

Sometimes the person redirects the emotion from the dangerous to themselves. An example would be in a dating relationship.

When one person is “dangerous”/hurtful and the partner adopts the attitude, “I’m so stupid. (S)he is right. No one would want to be with me.” They could fall into depression, substance abuse, self-harm, or even suicide.

How it keeps you stuck.

We consider displacement a neurotic (abnormally sensitive, obsessive or tense and anxious) defense mechanism. Fear usually motivates displacement, fear of being emotionally or physically harmed, losing one’s job or marriage, or any other difficult outcome that happens when someone stands up to a difficult person or situation. Fear keeps us stuck, sometimes lack of confidence, past experiences or lack of resources.

It may have been the best option.

This defense mechanism is often formed early in life as a child who cannot speak openly to a parent, sibling or classmate. Sometimes it develops later in life when a person enters a relationship with a difficult person they aren’t used to dealing with. If you don’t have support, you may not see any option other than to stuff your feelings.

Can it be fixed?

Displacement is fairly easy to detect. Many times, the person using displacement recognizes during or after the fact that the person they acted out toward did nothing to deserve it.

Sometimes, the next person in line is emotionally strong and calls it like it is.

The best way to help someone using displacement is to not lash back. Do your best to exit the exchange calmly, if possible, saying, “You seem upset, can we talk about this when we are both in a better mood?” If the person will let you help them, you can try to understand what happened before they lashed out at you and see if they will let you help them. Getting support and learning boundaries is really important.

Misunderstandings of this defense mechanism.

Many parents and professionals describe an occurrence of children “keeping it together” during a difficult day at school. The child doesn’t show any emotional or behavioral issues at school. The child comes home and acts out with mom. In theory, this describes displacement, and we hail mom as the “safe person.” Which, in theory, is why the child feels safe to let out their emotions through bad behavior.

While this may happen occasionally with some children, it is a flawed theory. More commonly school is the “safe place” where the “safe people” are, with rules and boundaries for decent and civil behavior. Rules and boundaries create a sense of safety and safe children are content children. The child arrives home to a less bounded, limitless environment where the child acts out because they can. It becomes a win-win for the child, being able to act out and have their parent say it’s not their fault.

(OK – I probably just lost half of my followers.)

How dangerous is it?

Displacement turned inward can be dangerous for a person who acts it out through self-harm. Displacement acted out on others can fracture relationships, cause people to want to avoid you, and crush the spirit of children.

Does parenting have any role in its formation?

Displacement can come at unpredictable times. All could be well, one parent flies off the handle at the other, even if the children don’t witness it, the other parent then has a significant mood change, for the worse and the children don’t know which end is up.

What is it?

Intellectualization is when someone uses reasoning and logic to block issues and the emotional stress that they cause. Intellectualization is somewhat cold, rational and clinical. For example, your spouse, who has been living with cancer is evaluated as being in the end stage of life. The hospice worker arrives at the house and you are prepared with a stack of articles about treatment protocol, nutrition and other healing methods. The hospice worker is there to tell you how they are going to work with you to make sure your spouse remains as comfortable as possible as they begin to pass and you want to talk about the illness. They may say, “Yes, I know they are dying, but what about this? What about that? Did you know…?”

How it keeps you stuck.

Many words, details and facts distract the person from the emotions they may feel. When we put a wall up to “protect” us from the emotions, we delay the inevitable or the chance to work through the difficult experience.

It may have been the best option.

Take a serious accident or tragedy for example. Let’s say you witness a car accident in which there is a fatality. Intellectualization happens to many people unconsciously and is a very beneficial defense. While some people will collapse and sob, others will be standing tall, pointing, describing and explaining. As First Responders and helping professionals, we want to help them slow down a bit, breath, start to feel grounded, but we absolutely do not want to interrupt their process. A. They may have some very important information to share, and B. They may not be prepared for the avalanche of emotion that could come on.

Can it be fixed?

Intellectualization is also classified as a neurotic defense mechanism (abnormally sensitive, obsessive or tense and anxious). However, it doesn’t typically take the form of being offensive or hurtful to others. It can be very annoying and frustrating for others and difficult to watch the person suffer with not accepting reality. The best way to help someone who is using intellectualization is to be very calm and grounded yourself. You need to know when to just listen and know when to intervene. If it feels like the time to intervene, you must remain calm AND simple. When I say simple, I mean, after an onslaught of detail, you take a breath for yourself and say something like, “This is really hard.” or, “Wow, this is a lot. How are you feeling?” In therapy, I try to slow the person down by letting them know they are “sending” too much information to me all at once. I say, “Hold on for a minute. Let me see if I understand.” Then I will make some summary statement of all they have just told me, validate that they must feel very overwhelmed, and ask them to say something about how they are feeling.

Misunderstandings of this defense mechanism.

Sometimes when people are using intellectualization, others accuse them of being cold, or aloof or uncaring. Their intellectualization isn’t usually coming from a “cold heart.” As an example, a wife coming in talking about her husband’s affair, with a lot of detail and thought but no emotion, we may mistake for, “They must not have really loved him. She’s not even crying or seeming upset.” This isn’t true. On occasion I have waited for a pause and said something like, “How are YOU doing?…..I’m sure this isn’t the fairy tale marriage that you played out as a child with your dolls.” And then comes the flood of tears and emotion.

How dangerous is it?

Intellectualization can be dangerous in that a person could stay in a very difficult situation which is allowed to continue for a long as the person is caught up in details that derail them from taking action on the reality. Mostly though, it is emotional. The longer one says away from what they feel, they stay bound up inside and restricted from a life with their full emotions. Because the mind doesn’t do a very good job at differentiating happy emotions from sad emotions. The person tense to not feel the good emotions along with not feeling the hard ones. A lot of times people feel like if they let themselves get close to the emotion, the house of cards will fall. Some people don’t even know what it’s like to have the emotions. It’s like they just don’t speak that language.

Does parenting have any role in its formation?

Parents who have a hard time with emotion often raise children to have a hard time with emotion. As a child, I was not well connected to my emotions. My mother, God bless her, didn’t want to disparage my father in any way, and I’m glad for that! Truly glad. She never said a negative word about him. As a child, I had many intellectualized ways of thinking of my father and myself in relationship to my father. Much of it was useful, but I never had the other side, the emotional side. “It would be normal if you felt sad about this.” “How did you feel when you saw your father in a coma?” It was all good talking about the details about the why and how, but the feelings, not so much.

Next Up – Projection

What is it?
How it keeps you stuck.
It may have been the best option.
Can it be fixed?
Misunderstandings of this defense mechanism.
How dangerous is it?
Does parenting have any role in its formation?

Hardship Reveals Character

Sat, 29 Mar 2025 17:03:38 GMT

Every time you see “garden,” substitute it with COVID-19, cancer, an affair, car accident, death.

We all get thrown for a loop at times. Some of us more than other, some of us harder than others, some of us may not truly have experienced this kind of life disruption in any kind of significant way.

While my gardening issues are nothing compared to a cancer diagnosis or the other things just mentioned, it’s a good metaphor.

Whether your radar caught the magnitude of the pandemic when the word was first mentioned from China in January, or it was in February when our children were coming home because of schools closing, or maybe it was March when Americans being told to stay at home, globally, we all have been impacted.

Character Revealed

During times of unexpected or unplanned events, our character is revealed. Coping skills, defense mechanisms, styles of relating with others…it all comes to the surface.

Did you close your eyes, put your fingers in your ears and start singing la la la la la?
Did you get to work making a list of the things you might need over the next couple of months?
Did you go to the internet and scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll to see what everyone was saying?
Did you start getting snappy at people?
Did you go quiet and want to hide away from it all?
Did you call your 25 best friends and see if they were all ok?
Did you start sanitizing everything?
Did you find someone to point your finger at and blame?
Did you sit down with your children and focus on their health and well-being, resolving to keep them happy though it all?

Our 2020 Garden

You may have done a variety of these things, as did we. One of the things we did was start thinking ahead.

I was an avid vegetable garden hobbyist for years, until around 2014ish when we agreed that I/we were just too busy to care for a garden and the local Farmer’s Market was a better option. We dismantled the garden, expanded our lawn and an above ground pool took it’s place.

This meant that now, present day, we had to identify a new location for the garden and build a new structure, as in the past, the rabbits and crows had their way with us, chewing our plants off at the stem and dive bombing our fruits and vegetables just before they were ready to be harvested.

We purchased our seeds and supplies for the garden structure and got right to work clearing, building and seed starting!

Thankfully, our wonderful neighbors (my husband’s parents), were on board with the garden going in their backyard!

Meanwhile, seedlings were thriving!

Now let me just say, anyone who has planted like this knows, you check your plants EVERY day! You check your plants maybe 5x/day! They were truly thriving…until…one day they appeared pale and yellowish.

That’s when, BAM! “Your plants are sick!“ set in. Within 24 hours they were even more pale, spotted and drooping.

As I said, I’m not new at vegetable gardening. This has never happened to me before, and how sudden and rapid it was, that was even worse!

This was yet another time for the battle of my character to be played out. Panic? Disappointment? What am I going to do? How do I fix it? How do I start over and now be 6 weeks behind, in an already short Cape Cod growing season??? Can you even buy starts at the garden centers?

A poor comparison, but when you get the call that your loved one has cancer, do you move into action mode or is this the beginning of giving up strength and hope?

When a global pandemic is announced and you can’t easily get your shopping done, lose your job and everything becomes more difficult and uncertain, do you say, “I’ll just sit here and wait for news that help is coming.” Or do you start thinking about what you need, what your options are and how you can be resourceful?

And What About Faith?

Who is on the throne in your life? Is it you? Your spouse? Is it the government? Is it the government that is somehow going to make it all better for you? Is it your parents or grandparents, no matter what your age? Can they fix it? Or is it your faith?

Work like everything depends on you and pray like everything depends on God.

Saint Ausustine

What Has Become Of Facebook?

Sat, 29 Mar 2025 16:32:09 GMT

I was thinking of leaving fb, but then I thought about all of the fiery rhetoric and burning invectives I would miss!

What about you? Do you have FOMO (fear of missing out)? Are you addicted to a good fight? Are you just here for the show?

Why Are You Here?

Do you get your news from FB? I admit, sometimes I think, “I wonder what’s going on in the world today?” So I go to fb assuming that anything major will have been posted by one of my “friends.”

Are you on FB to promote your business?

Are you on FB to connect with loved ones, especially the ones who don’t live nearby?

How much time is FB taking up in your life? What else could you be doing? What did we do before FB?

I know, lots of you are saying, “No, this doesn’t describe me. I’m just here to stay connected to loved ones.” But even so, just because you’re just here to stay connected with loved ones doesn’t mean you aren’t impacted by news, ads and opinions.

Are They Proud?

Are Mark Zuckerberg and the shareholders sitting at the conference table discussing how their platform has become vicious tool of hate, lies and division? Or is their profit so outrageously large that they are too happy sitting back on their easy chairs and yachts to let any sense or care about the destruction impact them?

Our Emotional Centers Were Lit UP, But Not Like Today

Do you remember when FB and YOUTUBE focused on people connecting with people, way back in the beginning? Businesses weren’t running the advertising campaigns through fb, they were in print and on the radio. Politicians weren’t running their campaigns on FB. There were no “influencers.” It was a safe, family friendly place to be. The images and messages sparked the emotional center of our brain, but there were no embedded messages or calls to action based on someone’s agenda, and there was no internal pressure to do battle with your fb “friends” or even with strangers.

What Would Happen If….?

What if we did a mass exodus from FB (IG doesn’t seem as bad) and found some other way to share pics of our babies, pets, gardens, etc.? Would there be a marked improvement in the way people of Earth treat each other?

Lighting Up The Brain

FB is a constant stream of images and short messages. Short messages are very similar to images. Think “sight words;” AND, THE, LOVE, DOG, HATE… We process sight words and constant exposure to slogans like, “BLACK LIVES MATTER” or “JUST DO IT” or “I LOVE YOU” as images. In other words, you don’t need to read it, you just look at it and know what it says.

Our brain can process thousands of images and simple messages in a short amount of time. Images and simple messages don’t light up the “thinking” part of our brain, as much as they light up the “emotional” part of our brain.

Emotion and thought are not always congruent. They don’t always line up. But we aren’t going to slow everything down so we can actually think about each image or message, we are going to just keep scrolling, because after all, aren’t most of us scrolling, whether it’s social media or a product category on Amazon, or news headlines as our “down time?” We feel tired, lazy, need a break, so we sit down, tune out our “real” environment, and get lost in world of scrolling.

Off To The Races With Our Emotions

Next thing you know, we’re off to the races with our emotions because we have seen an image that has lit up the emotional centers in our brain. Not all images are created equal. The media is really good at finding the high impact images, because they know people will be sparked by them, moved to emotion and moved to act, either by liking, commenting, fighting or whatever. They are the experts when it comes to “click bait.”

Have We Fallen Right Into Their Hand?

You know you. You know if you are hooked. Pay attention to how triggered you become by images and short messages and slogans. You have choices. Talk to your loved ones. Ask if it makes sense to use a different platform. I realize, you have different groups of “friends” and it’s not as simple as setting up a few private chat groups on text or a less volatile platform. All I hope for is that we can all pause, just briefly and ask ourselves, “Does someone, something, or some platform have my emotions chained up?” If so, what should I do about it.

References

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2686226/

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/03/150324183623.htm

Lying

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 21:52:15 GMT

Q & A

Q. My 7 year old daughter has started lying. We have tried making light of it, hoping it is a phase. We have tried having her sit until she is ready to tell the truth. We have tried taking things away. We have tried taking to her about why the truth is so important. Nothing seems to work.

A. Lying is among the most difficult of behaviors to stop. Sometimes there is an obvious reason for the lying, like an overly harsh or critical parent or parent who doesn’t seem happy much of the time. The child simply doesn’t want to get in trouble or doesn’t want to upset that parent. Sometimes it’s a new baby or desire for more attention. Sometimes it’s the influence of another child who has a real or imagined fanciful life, gets a lot of attention, and your child wants what they have. Lying in young children is rarely a sign of a deep psychological or family problem, as most children will try it out at one point or another. Most often, habitual lying is a behavior that was tried and then tried again and then begins to become a habit or style of getting good things or avoiding bad things. Lying is not usually the original problem, but a symptom of the problem.

Sometimes children outgrow immature lying, but lying that begins to take on a life of its own is a very serious problem with a very poor prognosis. The more a child lies, the less the child learns coping skills to effectively manage their emotions or the issue at hand and the more the parents become frustrated and the easier it is for an unhealthy parent-child dynamic to become established.

The strategies that have been most successful in my practice are the following;

After you have described the moral and social problems with lying, don’t keep going back to it. The problem isn’t lack of understanding, knowledge or insight, it is a faulty pattern of problem solving.
If you suspect lying or lying is obvious, don’t beckon the child to come clean by asking questions again and again when you already know the answer. For example, you told your child they could not have a cookie as it was too close to dinner. You know they snuck a cookie. When you ask them if they ate the cookie, which you know they did, don’t keep asking them or giving them more chances to answer truthfully. After they have lied once, tell them, in a matter-of-fact manner, (poker face – not mad or disappointed) “I know that you ate the cookie after I told you not to.” The more questions or chances the parent gives the child, the more crazy lying the parent will get. They may simply deny it over and over again or they may come up with other explanations about what could have happened to the cookie. The adult rarely wins this cat and mouse game. The parent becomes frustrated and the child maintains control. Take control with the facts you know to be true. Do not try to take control with your emotions or by trying to make your child have emotions like shame, sorrow. Let the emotions emerge from the natural process.
Reiterate what you probably say all the time (or maybe not enough) how much you love them and want them to be happy and successful, etc….) and that you are going to help them break this habit of lying. Our children are going to get themselves into tough spots and need to know we will not abandon them there in the tough spot.
If your child seems remorseful and can admit that they are having a hard time with lying, ask them to identify something that they like very much. It could be an electronic device, toy, desserts or something else. If it is an object that can be brought to you, have them bring it. If it is something like desserts, write it down on a note card. This object of affection is put on “layaway.” In order to earn it back, they will need to go 7 days, completely free of lying. If the child is not owning the problem, you, the parent, will choose the item or activity. Remember, it must be something important to the child, and it must be something that you know you can stick to. For example, if it is going to crush you (the parent), to not serve dessert to one child, while the rest of the family partakes, do not use this. IF, everyone agrees, or even one person agrees, “I want to help my sister solve this problem, so I will give up my dessert while they are working on it,” that’s great, but they can’t change their mind after just a couple of days! Put a chart up on the fridge with 7 squares. For every day that the child does not lie, put a check mark, nothing special here, we are not rewarding expected behavior. The reward is the good feelings they get from the corrected behavior. During these days there are no reminders or warnings, or comments like “are you sure you want to say that????” If the child lies, the chart comes down and a new 7 square chart goes up.
In the meanwhile, mom and dad be very good observers of family life and make tiny changes whenever you notice you could have handled something better or given more attention where it was needed. If there is marital tension, acknowledge it with your husband/wife and work to correct it. Behavior like lying may indicate something is not right in the family. Even if it is not rooted in a family issue, this type of behavior can create a division between parents. Work together on how your are going to address it.
Be careful about your own habits and pulling your child into white/innocent lie situations, especially keeping something from the other parent, or a grandparent-grandchild situation, for example, “don’t tell Mommy I gave you candy,” or, “this is special just between us.” It is not wise to teach children to have to think through when they should tell the truth and when they should not. They should always tell the truth.
Keep in mind, lying and secrets are cousins. We put our children in serious risk of inappropriate relationships with people who may not have their best interest at heart when we allow lying and secrets. Again, it is not fair to ask a child to sort out whether they should tell the truth, a white lie, or a lie of omission. They should know that the truth is always best.

A child feeling awful about lying is appropriate. Let them feel awful. Comments from a child like, “You hate me.” or “I’m terrible.” “No one likes me” do not stem from feeling awful. They stem from wanting to get out of trouble and not wanting to take responsibility. Sadness, tears, not wanting to talk…these are more like signs of feeling awful. Give them a hug, validate that of course it feels awful, and let them know you love them and are here to help them do the right thing, all the time, even when no one is looking.

Hand Washing

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 21:40:13 GMT

Q & A

Q. My child has had some issues with feeling anxious and it usually shows up in behaviors like asking a lot of questions and hand washing. He seemed to be doing pretty well, then COVID hit. He’s washing his hands constantly. They are becoming red and dry, like in the past when his skin would crack and become very irritated. Telling him to stop doesn’t work. Making a rule about hand washing hasn’t worked. Explaining why so much washing is not good doesn’t work. His mother and I don’t know what else to do.

A. This is a very common question, and you are not alone especially since COVID.

Convey Hope

It’s very true that some children will move through this phase, sometimes in weeks, sometimes in months and sometimes it will ebb and flow over a year or more. When we feel like we have failed at helping our child solve the problem, we tend to give up and just worry. But in my professional experience, it is more common for the issue to fall away and at worse, be an occasional nuisance, than for it to continue to get worse and progress into a debilitating Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that impacts their future. Therefore, it is fine to tell your child, “Ah, yes, I see you are feeling this pressure to wash your hands a lot. That happens to a lot of people. You will get through it and we will help you.”

Insight

Ask your child to tell you what they are experiencing, what it is like for them, what are they thinking. Don’t interrupt, don’t help, don’t try to fill in the blanks, just let them express. If they have only have a basic statement like, “I don’t know. I just feel like I need to wash my hands.” You say, “What else?” or, “Tell me more.” If they still have nothing, tap into your English class lessons; who, what, why, where, when. Don’t try to interpret or help clarify. You want to send your child the message that they are very smart and very resourceful. You can say things like, ” Wow, you already know a lot about this.”

Science

After the “insight” discussion, it is a good time to make sure the nuts and bolts of immunity are understood. Obsessive, compulsive behaviors are tricky in that there is enough truth to make the worry feasible; germs could cause death, curling irons left on could burn the house down, going out of your lane could result in a motor vehicle fatality. At the same time, people who struggle with obsessive, compulsive behaviors often understand that their actions are incongruent, over-the-top responses to the risk or threat. Children who do not understand that their body is already equipped with germ fighting mechanisms, may benefit from education. An internet video search for this topic will bring up quite a few results. The vocabulary and science facts aren’t important. You just need the basics of germs entering the body and the “good guys” attacking the “bad guys.” (Someone should make a video game of this!) Here’s an example.

Minimize Stress

The compounding effect is when multiple factors collide to create a bigger problem than would be present if there were just one factor. There could be a family predisposition to anxiety, a child picking up on a parent’s anxiety or unhappiness, other stressors in the family that the child is being impacted by. Mom and Dad, guardian, grandparent – whomever the adults are that the child lives with, need to raise their awareness about stressors in their family environment, and/or raise their action in working toward mediating the stressors they already know about. Pay attention to what you are discussing in front of the children, news and other things you can control so that the child doesn’t take on this stress.

Boundaries

If the child recognizes that their hand washing is interfering with their life or happiness, that’s great. They are going to lead the plan to solve the problem. If they do not recognize it, the parents will have to establish a boundary. This boundary isn’t punitive, but more like expected guidelines. You may be able to tell the child,

“Look, we can’t have your hands cracking and opening you up to more risk. Here’s what you can do. When you wash your hands, go ahead and use a little soap and warm water, but rub your hands together lightly, not vigorously. Barely touch your hands to each other. Pat your hands dry. Do not rub them roughly with a towel. We’ll have a look at your hands in a few days and see if this is helping.”

or, make a check-list, “Before you wash your hands, ask yourself;”

When was the last time I washed my hands?
Have I done anything since last washing my hands that necessitates me washing my hands now? Used the bathroom, blew my nose, etc.

Empower

Parents I meet are constantly thinking they have to solve every problem. You don’t. Ask your child, “After all of the things we have talked about, which ones do you like the best and how can I HELP you.” This is a child-centered/child-developed plan with parent support. Every time we “fix” it for them, they learn to be more helpless. Don’t steal their thunder! Let them start to problem solve.

Faith

Sometimes, we cannot understand the origin of a problem or how to fix it. For example, someone who experiences migraine headaches with no known origin, ultimately, has to learn to manage this pain the best they can. But we all have faith. Whatever your faith, or if you are not sure, seek it, learn about it, practice it. You may find comfort there and relief from pain. Post words of encouragement, scriptures, inspirational quotes, affirmations in every room. Fill your soul with love, hope and encouragement.

Making a New Path in the Brain (more science)

You may not be familiar with the term “neuroplasticity” but for children who have learned mindfulness in school, they may be. Basically, this means that we can rewire the brain with our thoughts and actions. We can make a new path, a calm path. We must develop this path when we are in a non-anxious state, so that when the anxious feelings emerge, we can hop quickly from the anxious path to the calm path.

Just like muscles. We can’t bench press 200 lbs when we never even bench pressed 50. You must build those muscles. We can’t hop on to a calm path in the brain if that path hasn’t been laid yet.

For more info on Neuroplasticity (Rewiring the Anxious Brain, Emma McAdam.)

For more info on mindfulness for kids, click here .

The Actual Plan

Again, if possible, keep your child in the driver’s seat and you remain a passenger. Have the child write it down (or assist with a pictograph for pre-readers). Keep it simple. Schedule a follow up to review and fine tune the plan, and to celebrate success!

Other Considerations

There may be dietary or lifestyle changes that can be made that will be a part of the solution; minimizing electronic time/screen time, getting more exercise, burying oneself in a book, etc.

Medication and/or supplements. Notice I include this part last. Persistent symptoms of anxiety deserve a conversation with your child’s pediatrician. Considering medicating a child is a serious decision and should be treated that way. Both parents’ (even in the case of separation or divorce), opinion should be expressed openly and questions should be discussed thoroughly, such as, side effects, length of time on the medication, what would your child be told about the medication, and others.

Be careful about labels. I have seen far too many teens and adults who have identified themselves as having “mental health issues,” a concept which is most often follow by, “I can’t…”, “I’m not good at that because…” There is nothing wrong with talking about “feeling anxious” vs. “I have an anxiety disorder.”

I invite you to comment with suggestions that have been helpful in your life.

Managing the Stress of the Holidays

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 21:11:25 GMT

December 10, 2019 on WOMR with Paula Sperry

Protecting Your Child From Pedophiles

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 20:57:49 GMT

May 28, 2018 on Relationship Helpers

Confirmation Bias

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 20:07:01 GMT

Do you struggle with this? Does someone you love struggle with this? Do you both struggle with this?

Confirmation bias is when you have an opinion or belief about someone and as information comes in, you select in every piece of information that validates or confirms your opinion or belief and you filter out every piece of information that does not line up with your opinion or belief. You may use the words “always” and “never” in arguments. You may come across as self-righteous, close minded, harsh, entitled… You are probably pretty good at rendering the other person speechless, as they have learned that nothing they say will be heard or validated.

It will be hard to engage in a dialog with this person because they already have their mind made up and are unwilling to consider any of the factors that they have already filtered out. When you point out one of those exceptions, it is immediately rejected because the person has already decided that your one exception is so insignificant that it doesn’t count, which leads to you having to go back in your memory and try to find more examples, something that many people aren’t that good at, especially people who don’t keep a mental or written record of such things.

You can’t solve it by trying to be better or perfect so they have fewer examples of complaints against you. Like I said, they’ve already made their mind up and anything that goes against what they have decided, they will find a way to filter out or invalidate as so insignificant that it doesn’t matter.

You can’t solve it by trying to defend yourself. Their mind is made up.

You can’t solve it by pointing out their faults or what they are doing to perpetuate the problem. You’ll probably be accused of “not owning your stuff” or “deflecting.”

You may be able to improve it, depending on how tightly your loved one holds on to grievances against you and how long this has been going on for, by pulling them close in a big hug, saying “I love you” and apologizing (even if you don’t think you are at fault), but done too many times and this will wear on your relationship and resentments may form.

So what should you do?

1. Make space and time in your relationship for expressing appreciations and frustrations.

When you make this a regular practice, it helps to keep things positive and productive and helps you stay connected in a way that feels like you are on the journey together.

2. When you have a grievance, address just that grievance.

Start by telling your loved one there is something on your mind and asking when would be a good time for you to be able to talk to him/her about it. (When you’ve been practicing #1 regularly, asking this question shouldn’t cause a lot of drama or anxiety.) When the time comes, address JUST that grievance. Ask your loved one, “What do you hear me saying?” If it doesn’t seem to be going smoothly, slow it down. They may not be understanding, you may not be being clear,

3. Slow it down.

We are often too focused on our defense than on hearing what what the other person is saying. Slow down. Take a breath. Listen. Don’t personalize it, even if it feels like a personal attack. Say what you think you heard rather than arguing back.

4. Understand how the past plays in.

The person with confirmation bias may have developed this as defense mechanism (unhealthy defense mechanism) in response to relationships and dynamics from the past, either as a child or an adult, before you met them. There may be in interplay between what you are doing and how it is being perceived because of earlier experiences and relationships. It is ok to say, “I’m open to changing, but I just want to ask you, is something that I am doing activating/triggering something from the past?”

5. Seek support.

You might feel totally helpless if you have tried to have these conversations and they do not solve the problem. Seek support via self-help methods, like books, blog posts on the topic by professionals like me, or pursue one or more consultation sessions with a marriage therapist.

6. Commit to working it out.

Sure, you can scrap the relationship because of this, but you miss an opportunity that way, and, whether you are on the receiving end or are the one using confirmation bias, you will bring these same dynamics with you to the next relationship.

What About The Tooth Fairy?

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 19:51:51 GMT

Q. I always tell the kids the truth 100% of the time, even when it comes to Santa, the Tooth Fairy and others. This gets me in trouble with family and friends who tell me to lie to them about it. When these conversations come up, I try to remove myself but if the kids ask me, I do not lie. What is your opinion on this?

A. This is a great question and lots of parents struggle with what and when to tell children about these characters. Sometimes this presents as a conflict between a mother and a father.

To be honest, the current state of chaos in the nation may be contributing to my answer today, vs. when my children were little. We may need the Tooth Fairy and Santa more than ever right now. Children deserve opportunities and experiences where they can smile and laugh with their whole self and to just be innocent children and escape the chaos and conflict. They deserve happy things to look forward to and to make special memories and traditions to pass down to their children.

It’s great that you are taking this seriously, being thoughtful about it and considering what is morally right, consistent with your parenting process and right for your family.

Most of us probably know 10 year olds who “still believe.” Some parents have 6 year olds who don’t believe, but feel it would disappoint their parents if they were to let on that they didn’t believe. Both scenarios are so sweet. Some children feel powerful when they tell other children the truth and send that child to a parent crying.

Ultimately, it’s the parent’s decision how they want to handle this. Here are some suggestions;

Emphasize the concept or theme that you think is important.

With Santa, if you have a belief about the holiday, you can surely put MOST of your emphasis on your faith and the practices and beliefs of your faith. You can talk about the legend of Saint Nicholas, his love and generosity and how he showed it. The legend doesn’t read that children wake up in the morning to an overflow of gifts for children to rip open. It’s about sisters who were poor and a generous man who put coins in their shoes while they slept. They woke up to this gift and were filled with gratefulness.

Playing Make-Believe and Lying Are Not The Same

Sure, most children are inevitably going to ask, “but is Santa real?” That’s when you can talk about it being a magical time of the year and that we can pretend about things, and when we pretend about beautiful, fun, loving things like this, it can bring a lot of joy and excitement. The joy and excitement is real and there is no harm in imagining magical things happening during special occasions. Think of it like going to Disney. All ages go there and know that Tinkerbell is a pretty lady who zips down on a wire, but for just a moment, we can believe that everything we are seeing is real. You may well have a problem with the whole Santa concept if your holidays are centered around material gifts. Children with whom the spirit of Christmas is lived out, not the spirit of Santa and the gifts he brings, will more successfully be able to move in and out of pretend more smoothly. But when we just flat out tell children, “Santa is not real” of course they want to kill the joy of all of their friends also. Instead of making it about what is not, make it about what it is.

Consider The Age

It’s just not necessary to make a declaration in the younger ages, but it’s also not necessary to build it up to such an extent that it’s all about Santa and the gifts. Those of us who had a young child who rushed off to bed and hid under the covers because the white bearded man might run into them in the hallway know that we have to be careful and know how our children think. There’s no need to go overboard with it. Young children are really good at imagining.

Talk It Over As Parents

I think Santa is the big one. You may feel differently about the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy. The important thing is for the parents to discuss these things and decide together how they will handle it. Listen to each other and accept that sometimes, someone has to bend.

Anecdotal From My Personal Experience

My husband and I handled Santa about as described above. Our son assumed the truth probably by the time he was 5 or 6. He was always more grown up than anyone expected he would be at any age. It seemed like we had an unspoken understanding with each other and I don’t remember ever having to directly address it. There didn’t seem to be a need to.

Our daughter was a bit more inquisitive, leading to a few conversations about it. As she got a bit older, she declared that she knew Santa wasn’t real. HOWEVER, every Christmas Eve she shifted into magical thinking mode and did the cookies, milk, note, get to bed, etc. as if it was all very real. This confused us for the first year or two but really, there was no need to address it. We just let it be. We love it that she can connect to that make-believe part of herself and think she probably takes after her Gramma in that regard, who is all about traditions and the spirit of the moment when it comes to holiday and other celebrations.

From my “Mommy Journal” (6 years old)

And, here is our tooth fairy story, which I absolutely love! Also from my “Mommy Journal!” (6 years old)

The Parent Pod – Family Meetings

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 19:37:44 GMT

Listen to me share on the Parent Pod Podcast using the link below:

Blindfolded Trust Walk

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 19:32:07 GMT

Six Benefits To This Family Activity

Fun – spend time together doing something you’ve probably never done before!
Connection – you’ll be touching (holding hands) for this whole activity.
Trust – you’ll be counting on your leader to lead you well, both the unblindfolded leader at the front of the line and the leader right in front of you. They’ll be counting on you also!
Attention and focus – if you don’t pay attention, you’ll put everyone at risk of a trip and fall and you’ll be at risk of the trip and fall also.
Insight – if this goes well, you will have confirmation that your family can work well together. If it does not go well, you will be able to assess what did not go well and work to correct it; attitudes, following instructions, giving instructions, being attentive…
Fresh air! – nature is good for the lungs and good for the soul!

For 10 Step Instructions Click For Download

When Marital Intimacy Misses

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 19:26:56 GMT

Have you tried and tried to have a meaningful and satisfying romantic experience and just can’t come together in a way that feels right for both of you?

Is it clumsy or awkward?
Does it lack the connection you wish?
Is there no synchrony?
Do you try to avoid sex?

This is very common, and there are a variety of reasons for it.

Different levels of experience (skill). The shoulder rub you receive from your friend will not feel as good as one that you receive from a licensed massage therapist. Experience and skill DO make a difference.
Different way or comfort level with expressing emotion and pleasure (or pain) and may not be aware of or understanding each other’s experience. Some women (and men) are going to teach their partner what they like and let them know what they like or don’t like. Others are going to remain quiet. Maybe they are embarrassed to express their desires or experience or are worried about hurting the feelings or upsetting their partner.
Different visions of what to do. One of you may want to swing from the chandeliers and the other may want lights off, missionary style.
Negative sexual experiences in the past. Sexual experience in the present may trigger memories, thoughts and feelings that were previously unpleasant.
Different levels of desire or interest. Some individuals are very responsive to their sexual feelings and some are not. This could be related to hormones, menopause, messages you have received about sex and judgements that were passed down to you from parents or the culture.
Disruptions in your relationship outside of the bedroom. This could lead to withholding or holding back from fully offering yourself to your partner. If your partner doesn’t listen to you in the way you wish in the kitchen, they probably don’t listen to you in the bedroom either.
Time constraints or worry about interference, such as a child waking up or walking in.
Being too busy, stressed, rushed.
Drug or alcohol issues.
Pornography may impede realistic expectations or arousal.

For more information on arousal accelerators and decelerators, click the PDF.

Try to undertake this process without judgement and without assuming your answers are absolutes, for life. When things don’t feel right, it is easy to feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Instead, enter this process in the spirit of discovery and growth through partnership.

For the low desire partner, it can be very overwhelming to contemplate these issues. For the higher desire partner, it can be very frustrating, but remember, both of you are taking a risk to work on this. Keep your eye on the prize, which is a marriage with greater depth, partnership, care and compassion. These qualities will spill over beautifully, in all aspects of your life.

Most couples think they should innately know everything about what the other person likes or dislikes. Why would anyone think this? Some feel as though it makes them less of a man or less of a woman if they have to ask or talk about it?

There are thousands of ways to give and receive touch. Why should anyone assume they know what the other person likes, or LOVES? You can touch with the delicacy of a feather or the pressure of a heavy massager, and everything in between. The temperature of the room and the bedding could be room temperature or heated. The lubrication could be scented or scent free, cooling or heating, slick, slippery or just moist. There are thousands of factors. If you are not receiving pleasure, there could be many reasons. How do you know how something feels if they don’t tell you or give you feedback?

For Steps 1-3, Download the Full PFD!

Trusting To Express Freely

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 18:57:16 GMT

Taking Things To The Next Level

Welcome to Phase IV of Marital Intimacy!

If you have followed along from the beginning, you know we have covered the following topics;

Marital Connection – which covered the essential process of connecting emotionally in order to build trust and feel safe to share yourselves with each other.
When Marital Intimacy Misses – which addressed disappointments, disruptions and differences that interfere with a satisfying sexual union.
Exploring Sensations – which provided a method of reintroducing yourselves to each other sexually, finding your voice and learning to listen to each other and establishing greater trust and transparency in the sexual experience and your relationship overall.

I encourage you to revisit each of these processes often. You can always benefit from looping back and learning more. This will continue to create depth, meaning and significant in your relationship and insulate you from things like petty conflicts and chronic bickering to more serious damage caused by things like disengagement from each other, emotional and physical affairs and habits like pornography.

In this process, you may have uncovered difficulties like the impact of sexual abuse, negative beliefs established earlier in life about sex and/or your body, barriers to trust and more. If this is the case, I hope that you have tried to be kind and loving to one another and paused the process for problem solving or to seek professional counseling.

If you have developed greater trust, found your voice, honed your listening skills, it’s time for even more fun!

This brings us to Phase IV – Trusting To Express Freely

Sound fun? Well, I hope you have found that in each phase, you can have fun. Here in the “let loose” phase, there are examples of conservatively letting loose and not so conservative. Keep in mind, I don’t write for shock factor and while I write about this topic for adults, I am always mindful that any age can set their eyes on content found on the World Wide Web. You should find nothing that will far exceed your comfort level.

Very Important

I’m sure most of you know about the “Me Too” movement. This movement, which started in 2006, brings awareness to sexual abuse and sexual harassment and breaks silence, which is typical of many who have experienced such harm. Many, many adults have experienced …………

Click PDF for more information and all 10 activity suggestions for this phase.

Is Tracy Lamperti A Christian?

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 18:50:57 GMT

If I’m going to take a hit professionally 99.9% of the time it has something to do with being a Christian.

Here are some the populations I have worked successfully with;

drug addicts
pregnant drug addicts
young, unwed mothers
single by choice mothers
parents who are accused of child abuse or neglect
LGBTQ
juvenile delinquents
victims of abuse
perpetrators of abuse
anti-gun people
pro-gun people
Democrats
Republicans and others.

Here are some of the faiths I have worked successfully with;

Christians
Jews
Mormons
Agnostics
Wiccans and others.

Here are the people who knew I am a Christian;

People who read the “about” page on my website.
People who met me at church.
People who were referred to me by someone at their church.
People who asked me.

Here are the people who didn’t know I am a Christian;

People who sat in my waiting room (I have nothing of faith in my waiting room).
People who sat in my office (I have no crosses on the wall or other expressions of Christianity).
People who didn’t ask me.

Here are the people who didn’t know I am a Christian;

People who sat in my waiting room (I have nothing of faith in my waiting room).
People who sat in my office (I have no crosses on the wall or other expressions of Christianity).
People who didn’t ask me.

Here are the people with whom faith was a part of their psychotherapy;

People who entered therapy expressing that their faith is important to them.
People who during therapy expressed that they wanted to learn more about the Christian faith.

Here are the people with whom faith was NOT a part of their psychotherapy session;

People who did not express an interest to make faith part of their psychotherapy process. It’s a question in every qualified therapist’s assessment process, “Do you have a faith that provides you with comfort and direction?”

Is Tracy Lamperti a Christian?

YES, Tracy Lamperti is a Christian! I make no apologies for being a Christian.

If you are anti-Christian, we may be a good match because you may never find out I am a Christian. Yes, I realize there are Christians who would take issue with this and cite verses like Matthew 5:14-16.

If you are anti-Christianity and know that I am a Christian, it is unlikely that you will choose me as a therapist. There are many therapists to choose from!

If you are anti-Christian or pro-Christian and don’t like something I say (whether it’s about faith or not), I am likely to read about myself on social media that I judged you and beat you over the head with a Bible.

When reviewing material on my website, of which I am the author of it all, you will most likely understand that I am pro-family, pro-marriage, pro-relying on something bigger than myself. You should also understand from reading my writings that I am pro-compassion, humility and kindness. You will also learn in my “about” section that I attend church and which church I most often attend. If it matters to you, I did not have a perfect Christian upbringing and did not always follow Chrisitan principles. I have made significant mistakes in my life.

I’ve never heard of a therapist saying, “Hey, before you meet with me, I just want you to know that I am a lesbian (or a spiritist, or an empath, or a (fill in the blank).” Likewise, it is not appropriate for me to say, “Hey, before you meet with me, I just want you to know that I am a Christian.”

Prospective clients can ask me anything they want before our first meeting. If you find yourself in my office and discover that I am a Christian, when you haven’t researched anything about me through reading the work I have authored on my website, please think twice before attacking me or posting insulting, untrue comments on social media or review sites like Yelp about how I tried to force my Christianity on you, because that will never be true.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Romans 12:18, NIV

Of Course You Are Happy

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 18:05:15 GMT

Of course you are happy today, isn’t everyone?! It’s Thanksgiving!

Whether you are reading this on Thanksgiving or Christmas or your birthday or on any other “special” day, if you are not feeling happy, don’t think you are the only one.

There can be many reasons for emotional unrest within yourself on days that most people think of as the happiest days of the year. You may;

be missing someone
struggling with an anniversary of the death of a loved one
have just received a difficult diagnosis or maybe a loved one has
have a difficult relationship with family or friends who will gather round the same table as you
dealing with a conflict that has flared up with your spouse
have children who are less than cooperative
be feeling pressured to “do it all” or be everywhere that everyone wants you to be
struggling with your own depression or anxiety

Whatever the circumstance, this could be a difficult day for you. What can you do?

Is there one friend or family member that you can confide in, where you won’t feel judged or made to feel like you are strange for the feelings you are having?
Can you ask this person to stay close to you. Not glued to you, but to notice you and help you feel engaged?
You could take a few minutes of alone time to breathe, pray or just take a break.
If the weather is on your side, you could choose a time to step away for a 15 minute walk or maybe even an hour. Maybe you could engage one or more of those you are with to join you. Get a little fresh air and increase your heart rate. Move the body and the mind usually moves too!
Can you identify something you would like to do for yourself, like a small craft project, write or read?
Keep busy. You might feel like sitting in a corner and hoping no one notices, but challenge yourself to lead the dish washing, or serving others.
Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! Don’t ignore your body’s need for water. Self-care really suffers when we feel emotionally miserable.
Drugs and alcohol are not your friend. Avoid the temptation, if you have it, to get through it by artificially altering your mood. For those who do not struggle with alcohol, there is nothing wrong with relaxing your emotions with a glass of wine if that is something you already partake in and feel comfortable with, but it is not your friend if you are using it to try and transform or numb your emotions.
If today is before the day, think it through. How do you want to spend the day? Who are “your people?” Where is your support?

Is your friend or relative suffering?

If you are not someone who is feeling miserable, it might feel most comfortable to connect right to the “happy” folks, but lift your eyes to the bigger picture and if you notice someone not connecting, don’t make assumptions that they don’t want to connect and are happy not connecting. They may need a bridge for connection and you may be that bridge.

If you are feeling deep despair, please read this!

Please allow us to pray for you! Tracy Lamperti checks her email daily and while she may not have time to reply to each prayer request, please know that you are being prayed for on this day. Your request will always remain confidential. While Tracy cannot provide mental health services via email or to anyone who is not a currently established client, she and her husband David can and will pray for you. Please use this contact form.

The Parent Pod – 10 Essentials For Intimacy

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 17:59:22 GMT

https://lamperti-counseling-consultation.myshopify.com/collections/featured-products/products/marriage-reference-cards

Parents Magazine – Quoted in How to Be a Good Parent After a Bad Childhood

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 17:54:00 GMT

Thank you to Jacquelyn Mitchard for your work on this important topic and taking the time to thoroughly research the opinions of clinicians in the field! Thank you also for sharing your heart and some of your personal childhood experiences.

Chestfeeding or Breastfeeding

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 17:49:09 GMT

Does my profession make peoples’ lives better or worse?

Have you noticed that we come up with a name for something and then that something becomes a mental health epidemic.

ADHD is a great example. Have a look at this chart from the CDC. (Click the image to be taken to the article.)

https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/timeline.html

The symptoms cluster was defined and labeled/named. Medication was developed. Therapists were trained. Strategies and treatment constructs were established. Teachers were trained. Doctors were trained. The numbers have not stopped rising since, which begs the question that the inquiring mind wants answered, have we become better at identifying and treating and that’s why the numbers keep going up, or have we all bought into the pop-psychology mindset of, “I have ADHD.” “I have addiction.” “I have mental illness.” “It’s my ‘mental illness’ that’s causing this.” “There are lots of reasons why ‘I can’t….’ [sit still, stop eating cookies, using drugs, etc….] and none of them have anything to do with me. “

What about Opiod abuse? Are we making a dent there?

https://www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose/data/analysis.html

Of all the things our children could be studying in health class…. we prioritize educating them on what substance abuse is, how people abuse substances, how people “huff,” how people cut, how people make themselves throw up.

Have a look here at why the DARE program failed and lost it’s funding.

Can you imagine a world where we teach children, all children, the qualities of successful men and women? Teaching children how to conquer tough challenges? How to get what they want and feel the way they want to feel without drugs or throwing up or huffing. There are so many topics and so many resources, but instead, we sit them down and essentially instruct them on how to harm themselves.

Moving on, what about identity?

But let’s take gender disruption or confusion for example. Your child now has over 64 titles to choose from concerning who they are.

Do you think the move to remove the “concept” of “man” and “woman” is a new thing?

Absolutely not! And the American Psychological Association was one of the trailblazers.

The removing of pronouns, changing terms from “breastfeeding” to “chestfeeding” and passing executive orders allowing biological males to compete against biological females, which all took place over the last month is really not the beginning of this. Not at all.

Why would someone like me do a double take when a headline catches my eye about changing “breastfeeding” to “chestfeeding?”

I am sharing the Snopes article because it outlines what the article said and verifies the original source of what was said.

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/chestfeeding-breastfeeding/

What was the APA up to 30 years ago, and why?

Note the date on the article link. 1991. Back in 1991 (30 years ago!!!!) the leaders in my field and the medical field were already in the throws of shifting the culture when it comes to the way our children think about themselves.

https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/language

And today, your child has 64+ terms to choose from when it comes to expressing who they are, how they want you to see them and treat them, and the rights they have. Call me simple, but if our children are bogged down with this, when they should be “bogged down” with learning basic academics, growing a healthy body and mind, being a contributing member of their family, their class and their community, they are actually plucked off that path and put on the path of, “Are you sure you are a ‘her?'”

More than 64 titles to choose from!

https://www.healthline.com/health/different-genders#a-d

So who is raising your children anyway?

We, as parents, have become complacent. We are busy. We took the “It Takes a Village” to mean, “I’ll give my children a roof over their head, they can learn about sex at school, the coaches can manage their physical fitness and social needs….”

Parents, your time is NOW!

The “village” isn’t going to answer for how your children turn out and the “village” isn’t going to give your children everything that they didn’t get from you while growing up. Well, maybe the village will give it to them. It depends on where this whole wave of socialism goes. We give to our children parenting that helps them become strong, confident, self-sufficient, humble, kind, smart, helps them know how to get what they need and want when it’s not delivered to them on a silver platter. We give our children the coping skills and the skills of managing their emotions naturally and maturely when their emotions become very difficult or painful.

It’s never too late to be a family!

Being Healthy In Trying Times

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 17:28:55 GMT

When Your Wise Mind Goes Offline

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 17:26:25 GMT

“Wise Mind” is a term used in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and it refers to the process of using your emotional mind, together with your reasonable mind to make decisions or take next best steps.

If we use just our emotions or just our logic, we lack the wisdom for the next best steps and may suffer the consequences in terms of a less than desirable outcome, either immediately or in the future.

What gets in the way of using our WISE MIND?

Being over-tired.
Being flooded with many or strong emotions.
Forgetting or discounting the importance of emotion and not considering it.
Forgetting or discounting the importance of reason and logic and not considering it.
Drugs or alcohol.
How you were raised to think and make decisions.
Forgetting about looking at the big picture.
Feeling pressured or rushed.
Selfishness – I want what I want regardless of anyone’s feelings or what anyone thinks about it.
Lack of experience.

One person’s experience …

Jane was feeling overwhelmed. There were overdue bills and she had lost some time from work due to illness. Her mom had just been moved to a senior living program, which she clearly expressed dissatisfaction about and Jane was feeling guilty and having a lot of emotions about her mom’s declining health. Jane’s high school age son was struggling academically and behaviorally and Jane and her husband were feeling conflict about how to address those issues.

One afternoon, Jane received a call from the school that her son has been caught vaping in the bathroom. She handled the call the best she could and after hanging up, she texted her husband that she was washing her hands of the whole situation with their son and, “You deal with it!” She then texted her brother, who had not been contributing equal support with their mom, and said, “I’m done! You deal with mom’s issues in the new program!” Jane then went out to her car and just sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed.

What should Jane do next?

Jane’s “wise mind” has gone offline.

She has temporarily lost her ability to see the value of bringing together both reason and emotion. When we get flooded, we sometimes don’t even think of one side or the other. It is out of our awareness.

This issue of flooding seems to be the case with Jane. She is overwhelmed and then sharply triggered by one new piece of information.

Now, if Jane was raised by a mom or dad who frequently lost their temper, or ruled strictly, or cried easily and couldn’t take next steps, those things could contribute also.

If Jane were an emotional eater, or used drugs or alcohol, or had some other addictive behavior, that could also contribute to wise mind going offline. If she was vulnerable to other self-harm, such as cutting herself, and she escaped with those behaviors, that would also interfere with using her wise mind.

But with Jane, she’s simply overwhelmed.

Bringing Wise Mind Back Online

Jane actually deserves a good amount of credit here. While it would have been good to do it before sending the rapid fire text messages, going out to her car and having a good cry is very smart, even if she wasn’t doing it from her reasoning mind. There are many benefits to having a good cry, both emotionally and physiologically. Next, Jane would benefit from;

A few minutes of breathing, listening to music or nature sounds, just being – trying to clear away thoughts and let emotions settle.
Then, she could talk to herself… “Ok self, you’re ok. This is a moment. It will pass. What are the top issues and what do I need to do right now? I.e. go back into work? Decide what’s for dinner? Call and apologize to my husband and ask for support?
Meanwhile – she should put her phone down, if she is now starting to get rapid fire texts from her brother and husband. A brief reply, “I’m sorry, I’m really struggling right now, I’ll call you ____ so we can talk about this.”
Prioritize and describe issues, which helps take them out of the just emotion or just logic.
Now that everything has been slowed down, Jane can feel more confident about her handling of the situation. She can ask for support. She can formulate next best steps.
She can set aside the crisis once this has been done and focus on self care. Does she need a bubble bath, movie night, early bedtime, etc.
If Jane has a therapist or close family or friends, she can connect with them calmly and say, “I’m really struggling, are you available to take a walk later this week and can I talk to you about some things I’m going through? Can I make an appointment?

We are all vulnerable to losing our wise mind abilities.

You’re really lucky if you were raised by parents who had their wise mind intact MOST of the time, because having wise mind modeled is the best way to develop wise mind thinking.

But if you didn’t have this advantage and struggle with strong emotion or rigid logic and have trouble blending them, practicing will help. What we practice, we get better at.

Assisting Children After a Tragedy

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 17:11:57 GMT

Yesterday was another dark day in this country, with innocent lives being lost to a preventable tragedy in Uvalde, Texas. Sadly, rather than rest our full attention on the victims and those who loved them, rather than come together in solidarity and support, we argue and fight about the root causes.

Now is the time to come together in love and in caring attention to children in our own lives. Like it or not, these events become part of every child’s life story. How we, as adults handle ourselves is deeply important.

Be aware of your own reactions to the event.

No matter the age of the child, they take their cues about how to feel and how to respond from us; their parents, older siblings and others they look up to. Model calm behavior and sincere and authentic emotions.

Be available to your children and children in your presence for extra attention.

This will show your child that they are ok, you are ok and that you are there for them. This reassurance is necessary to help your child be a child, whether they want or need to talk about the information they are taking in or not.

Be aware of your child’s cognitive and emotional developmental level.

This will dictate how much information you allow them to take in and the words and concepts you use to help them understand what they are taking in. Be thoughtful of activities like sending cards to the victims. This can be a healing and connecting exercise, but if you are going to do it, think about it first; your child’s age and developmental level, what you want them to know, what you want them to learn, if the activity will help with your desired outcome.

Be a good listener.

Your child will let you know what they need. Take their lead, rather than leading them and seeing what comes of it.

Don’t speculate or give false or unconfirmed information about the events.

Misrepresented, false and distorted information is rampant today. Do not bring your child into the politicization of the events and what is unfolding.

Monitor exposure to media.

Generally speaking, when the children are around, put the devices away and turn the news off. Remember, what you do, they do. If you are heightened about things, they will be too, or it will come out in ways that seem unrelated, but that are related. It’s TOO much for them to take in and your motions are too much for them to take it. Some parents will claim that their child is self-absorbed or absorbed in play or video games or something else. We are talking about the energy in your home or car. They WILL take it in.

Reassure their safety.

Assure children that you are paying attention to their safety and to teaching them to pay attention to their safety. Let them know that while very tragic, these events are extraordinary and uncommon. After a bit of time has passed in the same week or two, brush up on some safety tips and strategies.

Consider your child or the children in your care and what their struggles and challenges are.

Children with a history of a traumatic experience, loss, or emotional disturbances may need extra help processing these events. Sometimes children become very quiet when they are frightened, and some children act out or get fidgety. Some children identify with the perpetrator. On the news, we can already hear things like, “the shooter was bullied.” Listen for children who say things that indicate they are identifying with the perpetrator or suggest that violence might be an option for them.

Make an effort to maintain your regular routine.

Children need consistency. They need their dinner time to stay regular, homework and bedtime, and even household chores. Some parents put everything on hold, even when they are not directly connected to the event. Kind of like, “It’s been a hard day for everyone. Your teachers will understand why you didn’t do your homework.” “It’s been a hard day and I can see why you would be afraid to go to school. You can stay home.” This only validates a fear that they are not safe, and that when something hard happens, we relax all responsibilities. Not a good precedent to set.

Monitor your own emotional status.

Be aware that you may also be feeling grief, anxiety, guilt, and anger as you attempt to make sense out of the senseless. Keep in touch with close friends, family, your child’s school, mental health professionals as needed. Try to get good sleep, hydration and nutrition. Try not to fall into the trap of the politicization of everything. These things are rarely one way or another. People are rarely right or wrong. There are many factors to consider and getting caught up in one side or the other may not serve you well, may not solve any problems and definitely will not bring peace and healing.

Shamed into Making The Right Choice

Fri, 28 Mar 2025 16:46:08 GMT

When our nation clued into the fact that seat belts save lives, it was the school that drilled it into our children’s mind. The children brought this information home and shamed their parents into wearing seat belts.

When the nation clued into the fact that smoking is bad for us, and second-hand smoke is especially bad for children, it was the schools that drilled these facts into the children’s minds, thus, children came home and shamed their parents into smoking outside or quitting altogether.

Our nation should be clued into the fact that violent video games, violent TV shows and violent movies breed violent thinking, overstimulate wrong regions of the brain and desensitize people. I include everything in these categories from online video games like “Call of Duty”, to horror movies like “Scary Movie”, TV shows like “Sponge Bob Square Pants”, to reality shows of many kinds, and even the TV news programs.

Maybe it is the schools that need to drill it into our children’s mind that all of this violent “entertainment” is bad for people. Maybe then the children would come home and “shame” the older children and adults in their life to partake of that kind of destructive “entertainment” out of the house.

In the meantime…

Teach your child that it is perfectly acceptable and you would be proud of them if they were to step out of a room where anything violent is being shown or played. Even if it is you, their parent, showing or playing it!
Teach your child that it is perfectly acceptable to close or cover their eyes if they are watching a movie and something scary seems to be about to happen.
Teach your child that they MUST ALWAYS get your permission before watching any movie or playing any video game or participating in anything that is something that they think you may not know about. There should be NO SHAME for a child or teen in calling a parent and running something by them. If they are worried about being teased, tell them they can make up a story (though I don’t typically advocate fibbing), “I need to call (or text) my dad (or mom) because I forgot to feed the cat before I left.”
Parents, get back to your own childhood. Teach your child that there are endless ways to have fun that are safe and do not involve violence. And yes, included in my list of fun, nonviolent activities are things like target shooting. A correct mindset about bows and arrows and even guns, (or knife throwing – as we do on occassion in our backyard) is not violence. Other fun things that you might remember doing, …building go-carts and forts, models, puzzles, board games, pool, carpetball, slot car racing, bike riding, baking, crafts……….

Fill your lives with fun and love! Have fun with your children and love them with your whole heart!

Tracy Lamperti, Psychotherapist, Consultant, Educator